Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I try, every day, to be positive. Right now, the only thing I am positive about is that I'm scared.

I spent the last week suffering (on and off) through my endo symptoms. My cramps came earlier than usual and they are still causing me grief. They should be gone by now, but they are worse than yesterday. Going to the bathroom tonight was painful, and it brought back terrible memories of when my endo was at its worst. I can't stop thinking about what I cannot see. Do I have new lesions? How fast are they growing? Where are they growing?...

I think what's scaring me the most is the difference in my symptoms this month. Since my surgery, my "normal" experience has entailed: pain one or two days before I start my period, an increase in pain when I start to bleed, then each day the pain slowly subsides. Usually by the third day, I'm almost fine. I have not followed the pattern this time. My cramps don't usually come and go. They stay and follow their normal pattern, and then they go away until next month arrives.

This month, I started a new workout and nutrition plan. It has been going quite well and I thought it might be helping my symptoms. I was so proud I was able to continue my workouts through my cramps. But today I just couldn't do it. I was in too much pain.

I'm not sure what all of this means. I'm probably over analyzing every little detail in my head. That's what worry is, after all.

I feel vulnerable to my biggest fear: I don't know if I have the strength to go through the level of misery I experienced last year. I can't imagine returning to that dark nightmare.

Am I overreacting? I have no idea. I wish I could see my insides. 

I know these feelings will pass. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll likely start to feel better. But tonight, all I want to do is cry.

Sometimes, the lining just ain't silver.