Endo Friendo

GONE AT LAST

2011-07-26T18:03:00.000-04:00

A song for you, my Friendos.

Click here to hear it.

xo

ONE YEAR LATER

2011-06-09T09:13:00.001-04:00

Today marks another anniversary. My last surgery took place one year ago today. It is hard to believe an entire year has already passed.

I'm happy to report that I am feeling quite well. I still have rough days each month, but they don't compare to the misery I experienced before my surgery. Endo no longer consumes my every thought, nor does it stop me from living a happy life. I am truly blessed.

I just read a few of my posts from last year. It's difficult to revisit that hell. I want to believe I will never be in such a terrible condition again, but I know my endo is unruly and unpredictable. So I try to remember to enjoy every possible moment.

I know I haven't been posting much on here lately, but my endo sisters are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Cheers to one year!

SWEET & BITTER MOTHER'S DAYS

2011-05-07T17:35:00.002-04:00

Mother's Days of my childhood were dreaded occasions. I preferred the holiday to quickly pass as I kept my head down, eyes focused on the floor. I tried to ignore the vacant, hollow space in my life. The holiday highlighted the enormous difference between me and every other child I knew. I no longer had a mother. She had been dead for three months by the Mother's Day of my kindergarten year.

As each Mother's Day approached and projects were proudly or mindlessly completed by my classmates, I hoped for invisibility. I silently worked on my project to give to my grandma. My objective as I created my craft was to secure a facial expression void of my thoughts. I can't imagine I was good at the task then because I certainly can't pull it off now. My emotions tend to be as obvious and readable as the words on a giant, flashing billboard.

Years passed. I studied my friends' relationships with their mothers. I envied most of them and understood none of them. I continued to celebrate Mother's Days with my dear grandma.

Then came the Mother's Day when my belly swelled with the life of my son. A new meaning for the holiday--a never-experienced joyous celebration--was growing, soon to be born. My life as a mother about to unfold. Another first in my life I could not share with my own mother. My grandma lived to share the first year of my son's life with me. Three days after his first birthday, I lost her too.

I thank God for safely delivering my son to my arms and trusting me with his care, for the blessings he brings, for the life, laughter and love that has shined on my family for the last sixteen Mother's Days.

I miss my mom and my grandma; I am blessed with my son. It's the forever paradox of my Mother's Days.

I wish a beautiful Mother's Day to all of my readers. I know I am not the only one whose sadness is triggered by this holiday. Other daughters who miss their mothers understand my pain. Women who yearn to be mothers experience sorrow. Mothers who have lost a child mourn. My prayers are with all of you and I hope you have loved ones to offer you support today and always.

HER SUNSHINE

2011-04-21T16:20:00.005-04:00

Today is the day of my Momma's birth. She would have turned 60 years old. I shared my celebration of her birthday with you last year. It started a new tradition and my family is celebratng her life and birthday again this year. It's difficult not to be sad when I think of her, but I am trying not to let my sorrow shadow the beauty of her life.

Momma's favorite song to sing to us was You Are My Sunshine. I've always carried her tune with me. I sang it to my sweet son countless times. Her sunshine lives on in her family. Her love radiates through all of us.

I wonder how she would have wanted to spend her 60th birthday. I wish she was here--today and always.

Happy birthday Mom.

HELP RAISE AWARENESS

2011-03-31T15:46:00.000-04:00

Wait, it's the end of March already...how did that happen? (And why is the ground covered in snow??)

On the last day of Endometriosis Awareness Month, I would like to post a friendoly reminder about the Endometriosis Awareness Petition. If you haven't already, please take a moment to sign it and spread the word to others. I am overjoyed each time I see the signature count rise.We encourage everyone to sign and share. Click the blue box below to be redirected to the petition page.

Endometriosis needs attention from the general public and the medical community. Far too many people have never heard of this common incurable disease. Unfortunately when endo does get media attention, myths and misinformation are often spread.

We have to fight and speak up. Every voice counts.

March may be over tomorrow, but our need for endometriosis awareness does not stop in April. It lasts all year.

Thanks to all the people who took part in endometriosis awareness this month. You are appreciated.

Thank you for your support!

MY 1ST BLOGIVERSARY

2011-03-30T07:51:00.001-04:00

I just celebrated my first blogiversary! I can't believe an entire year has passed. Thanks to my awesome friendo Alanna for sharing the blogiversary celebration idea. You can read Alanna's post here, who was inspired by her friend Kass.

I created my blog in the midst of the most difficult period of my life. I felt scared, isolated and overwhelmed as I suffered in terrible pain each day. I overcame my fear of entering the blogosphere and decided to share my story. I reluctantly reached out to the world to discuss the personal topic of my health. I didn't know if anyone would ever read my words. I was unaware of how many other women were blogging about their lives with endometriosis and other chronic illnesses.

I never could have guessed the blessings I would receive from writing my blog. I have met wonderful friendos. We share our triumphs and tribulations as we navigate our complicated journeys with an incurable disease. My friendos help me remain positive, humorous and hopeful. I am inspired by their support and understanding.

A whole year has come and gone filled with varying emotions, circumstances and issues. I can look back on it now with a new perspective. My posts, like a rear view mirror, reflect a year's worth of my reality: the pain, miracles, despair and elation. My blog helped me realize I want to write a book, a memoir, about my life with endo.

A year later, I haven't run out of topics or ideas. What a lovely surprise. I'm excited to see what the next year will bring!

If only I could figure out how to share cupcakes on my blog...

MERRY GIRL

2011-03-28T19:57:00.000-04:00

March has flown by and Endometriosis Awareness Month is almost over. I've been thinking about all of my endo struggles. I never could have made it through my worst times without my loved ones. It's difficult to watch someone you love suffer in constant pain. I recognized their feelings of helplessness and worry. Today I want to share one of the stories of support I received from my family.

When I was very ill, I spent every minute in my home. It was impossible for me to handle everyday tasks. I was nauseous and doubled over in pain, not an ideal scenario for toilet scrubbing or vacuuming. When you're at home all day, you're forced to constantly interact with the filth and clutter. You have to look at it, walk by it, shuffle it around and dig through it. You are constantly reminded you aren't well enough to complete the simplest of tasks. I felt worthless and guilty.

During this time, my aunt gave me the most thoughtful gift. She arranged for Merry Maids to deep clean my entire house. Professionals had never cleaned my home. The idea thrilled me.

Before their arrival, my family sorted our junk and put away the clutter. People joke about cleaning before your cleaning crew arrives, but you really do need to declutter so they can thoroughly clean.

I don't know about merry, but the maids were nice and sweet. I was very merry though! My house had never been so clean. Every surfaced sparkled. They cleaned behind my fridge and furniture. They polished my ceiling fans. The windows and mirrors were spotless and the sinks shined. We could have eaten off the floors.

I rejoiced in the cleanliness of each space.

After the deep cleaning, it was much easier for us to keep our home tidy. My feelings of guilt diminished. I felt at peace and comforted in my home.

I was so grateful for my aunt's sweet gift. My clean house sincerely renewed my body, spirit and mind.

If you're looking for a way to help a sick loved one, helping her achieve a clean house is priceless.

ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH: FINANCIAL FALLOUT

2011-03-22T16:40:00.002-04:00

I am happy to share the following post for Endometriosis Awareness Month.

My friendo Jeanne for has been amazingly supportive since I started blogging (almost one year ago). She was the first person from cyberspace to leave me a comment on my brand new blog. Ever since then, she has been an incredible friend to me. Her blog, Chronic Healing, is wonderful and informative. She is always looking out for endo patients in many ways. I am so blessed to have her as my friend. I was so honored when she asked me to write a guest post for her blog for Endometriosis Awareness Month. Today, we are cross-posting my guest post here and on her blog. I highly recommend checking out her other posts for March and perusing her archives.

Here is my guest post for Chronic Healing:

Endometriosis Awareness Month: Financial Fallout

I was diagnosed with endometriosis six years ago after years of pain and misery. My life has changed in many ways because of my disease. Lately, the financial consequences of my endo weigh heavily on my mind. The largest financial toll has been over the last year.

I was incapacitated by my endometriosis symptoms in January 2010. My endo pain flared & raged and didn’t relent for months. I was unable to work. When my FMLA time ran out, I was given two medical leave extensions from my employer. I was healing from major surgery when my second extension expired and I was fired from my job. My employer said I “voluntarily abandoned” my position in a shady attempt to prevent my unemployment benefits.

I would have been able to return to work the week after I lost my job. I fought through two appeals with my former employer to receive unemployment.

The majority of our financial burden fell on my husband. Without him, I would not make it financially. My monthly unemployment amount isn’t enough to even pay my mortgage, not to mention my other bills. I am not complaining; I am grateful for the unemployment benefits. Still, the truth is, it’s tough to survive on the amount I receive. When my weekly benefit amount was determined, three months of my FMLA time were factored into the equation. In other words, three big fat zeroes were included in the average. Those zeroes did not help my cause.

I have been well enough to work for months but I haven’t had any luck finding a job. As the blank space widens between the present and my last job, I know my chances of finding work grow slimmer. How do I explain my joblessness to potential employers? It’s quite a dilemma. There’s no good response. The truth won’t help me secure a job. It’s hard to imagine an employer excited to hire a person who was too sick to work for six months. Besides, my medical condition and history should be private. The only other option is to be untruthful, but there isn’t a lie I can conjure to adequately explain my situation. Employers don’t like gaps in employment, period.

Now, add in all of the medical bills I acquired over the six month period -- two surgeries, three ER visits, several doctors’ appointments, and expensive medication. Trust me, the math is depressing. When I was fired, I had just met my insurance out-of-pocket maximum for the year. I had to start all over with my new insurance. (My difficulty finding insurance coverage is a whole other story). The only insurance I was able to obtain comes with a hefty $5,000 deductible and they don’t pay a penny until I hit that amount. Ouch. Since I have no clue how my endo will progress from this point, I have no idea what medical needs may arise. Any medical care will be expensive. I guess I was lucky to even find an individual insurance plan though; my husband was denied coverage by every local insurance company due to a pre-existing condition.

My list of financial worries goes on and on and on. I don’t know if I’ll ever get back on track and it’s terrifying.

Most days, I don’t let money concerns consume me. I remind myself of all of my blessings. I try to keep it all in perspective and remember it is just money. However, I do have days when the weight of my financial worries collapse upon me and make it difficult to breathe. I need to have faith and believe I will make it through this tough time. When I get stressed about money, I have to remind myself that my financial troubles pale in comparison to the physical and emotional pain my endo symptoms have caused me.

LUCKY IRISH GIRL

2011-03-17T14:37:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the love and support friendos.

I am feeling better today. Just in time too, because my friendo scored us front-row seats to a local university's fashion show. I'm excited. I've never been to a fashion show. I need a girls' night out.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I just finished some errands and enjoyed seeing all the green-clad folks about town. I happen to be an Irish girl, so I particularly love this fun holiday. People always seem cheery on St. Patty's Day. (Which may or may not be attributed to the green beer and shenanigans).

I hope you are enjoying your day!

POSITIVE

2011-03-15T00:42:00.005-04:00

I try, every day, to be positive. Right now, the only thing I am positive about is that I'm scared.

I spent the last week suffering (on and off) through my endo symptoms. My cramps came earlier than usual and they are still causing me grief. They should be gone by now, but they are worse than yesterday. Going to the bathroom tonight was painful, and it brought back terrible memories of when my endo was at its worst. I can't stop thinking about what I cannot see. Do I have new lesions? How fast are they growing? Where are they growing?...

I think what's scaring me the most is the difference in my symptoms this month. Since my surgery, my "normal" experience has entailed: pain one or two days before I start my period, an increase in pain when I start to bleed, then each day the pain slowly subsides. Usually by the third day, I'm almost fine. I have not followed the pattern this time. My cramps don't usually come and go. They stay and follow their normal pattern, and then they go away until next month arrives.

This month, I started a new workout and nutrition plan. It has been going quite well and I thought it might be helping my symptoms. I was so proud I was able to continue my workouts through my cramps. But today I just couldn't do it. I was in too much pain.

I'm not sure what all of this means. I'm probably over analyzing every little detail in my head. That's what worry is, after all.

I feel vulnerable to my biggest fear: I don't know if I have the strength to go through the level of misery I experienced last year. I can't imagine returning to that dark nightmare.

Am I overreacting? I have no idea. I wish I could see my insides.

I know these feelings will pass. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll likely start to feel better. But tonight, all I want to do is cry.

Sometimes, the lining just ain't silver.

EAR DRUM

2011-02-28T17:28:00.000-05:00

Hey Friendos,

Sorry I have been MIA. I came down with a nasty cold. The germs must be happy here because they are refusing to leave. I went to see my doctor because I was convinced I had the flu. Every single muscle in my body throbbed and ached. Since I've had three hospital trips due to the flu, I didn't want to mess around. Turns out, I didn't have the flu. However, I do have a wicked ear infection. I was shocked since my ear wasn't really bothering me. Plus I haven't had an ear infection since I was a child. Do adults even get ear infections? Apparently, yes, they do. She prescribed antibiotics and sent me home. By the next day, my ear spoke up and it has been driving me nuts every since.

Then a few days later, I woke up to a drum beating in my ear. It's like I can feel and hear my pulse inside my ear. It is terribly distracting and annoying. It also pops & cracks and feels clogged up, similar to airplane ear. And it hurts. In other words, it's no fun at all.

Of course, I googled it right away. I found a disorder called Pulsatile Tinnitus and read accounts from people who have been dealing with this pounding for years. It's a scary thought; I don't know how someone could continue to cope with this problem. So I'm hoping it will go away with my ear infection. (Please, please, please). It's hard to think and write in this condition.

I know how she feels! :(

I am excited for March because it's Endometriosis Awareness Month! I am looking forward to participating, ear problems or not.

LEFT TO TELL

2011-02-10T11:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the second Love Beats Hate blogging event! I'm so happy you stopped by today. I have an extraordinary story of love to share with you.

I was introduced to Immaculée Ilibagiza while reading Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I promptly ordered her book, Left to Tell, and entered Immaculée's heart wrenching experiences during the 1994 Rwanda genocide. The horror of her ordeal is difficult to read; the truth is sickening. Her inspirational message of forgiveness and faith is an extreme example of love prevailing over hate.

Home from university to celebrate Easter, Immaculée awoke to a nightmare. Her family listened in disbelief to the radio reports, their only contact with the outside word. President Habyarimanahe had been murdered and broadcasters called for Hutus to attack and exterminate their Tutsi neighbors. A genocide had begun.

Immaculée fled her home before the savage killers arrived. She and seven other women were hidden in a pastor's tiny bathroom, a mere four feet long and three feet wide. The eight women were confined in this space for three long months. They were cramped together--fearful to move, speak or even breathe. Aware of the brutality just outside the walls, they waited in silence. Bloodthirsty killers searched the home several times, but the women remained undiscovered. The concealed women clung to their only protection--their muted prayers.

As I read her words, I tried to picture myself in this terrifying situation. It was impossible for me to fathom.

The massacre continued as innocent Tutsis were hunted, tortured and slaughtered. Faced with the sadistic murders of her beloved family and friends, Immaculée felt the roots of hatred begin to grow in her heart. She prayed to God, "Please open my heart, Lord, and show me how to forgive. I'm not strong enough to squash my hatred--they've wronged us all so much...my hatred is so heavy that it could crush me. Touch my heart, Lord, and show me how to forgive."

Through steadfast prayer and faith in God, Immaculée achieved the impossible--she forgave her family's killers.

Immaculée made a powerful choice: She chose love. Though the atrocities she suffered supplied every justification to hate, she embraced love. She fought the venomous power of hate. Armed with love, she escaped imminent death and was left to tell the world her empowering story.

Dr. Wayne Dyer's brilliantly sums up the beauty of her story in the book's foreword:
"Despite the hideous display of humans' inhumanity to each other that was taking place only a decade or so ago in the country of Rwanda, this is truly a love story in the purest sense of the word--a story of the triumph of the human spirit, a story of one woman's profound faith and determination to survive (against literally impossible odds) in order to tell her tale and to be an agent for ushering in a new spiritual consciousness, and a story of a love for God that was so strong that hatred and revenge were forced to dissolve in its presence."

That is the power of Love.

Immaculée's story changed my life as a profound realization came to me. If Immaculée chose love in the midst of a holocaust, then I can easily reject hate in my life. When others spew hate, it is easy to respond with equal venom. My first reaction to hate is usually anger, but if I really think about it, I pity the malevolent person. They must live miserable, lonely lives to subject others to their hatred. Or maybe they loathe themselves, so they project their self-hatred onto others. Hating the haters serves to breed more hate. So instead, I will protest with love. I'll pray for them. It may not always be easy, but with Immaculée's shining example to follow, I know I can choose love in any situation.

I sincerely recommend her empowering book. If you are moved and inspired by Immaculée's strength and vision, you can support the Left to Tell Charitable Fund by purchasing her book and/or wristbands. Or you can make a tax-deductible donation. The fund helps the children of Africa build better lives.

Love Beats Hate

Please visit the Love Beats Hate Facebook page to find links to the other participating blogs or Facebook pages. You can also share the love on twitter using the #lovebeatshate hashtag.

Thank you for visiting!

Let love rule.

LIFESTYLE FOCUS

2011-02-07T14:57:00.000-05:00

I am making some healthy lifestyle changes. As I promised myself in my latest food journal entry, I am restarting my wheat- and gluten-free nutrition plan today. If you are interested in my progress, be sure to check my food journal page for updates. As part of my plan, I am giving up coffee and pop. This is an enormous hurdle for me but I am ready to give it a serious try.

I also need to implement an exercise plan into my daily life. I recently purchased a DVD called T'ai Chi Daily Practice with David-Dorian Ross & Daisy Lee Garripoll. I tried the routine for the first time this morning. I felt like a buffoon trying to follow along. It is difficult for me to learn new leg and arm movements simultaneously. However, I am choosing to be patient and kind to myself. After all, it would be challenging for most beginners. I have been intrigued with T'ai Chi for a long time, so I am excited to learn more about it. Though I felt somewhat awkward and uncoordinated, I also felt calm and focused.

This year I have increased my commitment to my writing life and I am seeing positive results. However, I am anchored to my chair or couch for several hours a day. My mind goes on exciting adventures, but my body remains grounded. I have horrendous posture and tend to hunch over my notebook or computer. My lower back suffers the consequences. I think the T'ai Chi practice will be a perfect solution to improve my posture and get active. Then I can focus on my writing with a clear, calm head.

hunch-a-bunch

I need to do everything in my power to minimize my Endometriosis symptoms. I refuse to believe I am completely helpless against my disease.

I will continue to blog about the challenges and triumphs of my plan. What healthy lifestyle changes have been successful for you?

IT'S A MAJOR AWARD

2011-02-02T13:56:00.004-05:00

Fun news! My lovely friendo Jenny at Jendometriosis awarded me the "I Love this Blog Award." Thank you Jenny! I am so honored and excited.

I am as giddy as the dad in A Christmas Story. "It's a major award!"

Here's how it works:

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award

2. Share 7 things about yourself

3. Award up to 15 blogs that are deserving

4. Contact those bloggers and let them know about the award

Seven random things about me:

1. Everyone in my immediate family has a first name that starts with the letter J. (We did it before the Duggars & there are way less of us).

2. Euchre is my favorite game. (I have euchred my cousin's loaners TWICE. I work it into our conversations as often as possible).

3. If I'm in my car, you can bet I am singing. (Sometimes my pointer finger is flying around too). Music makes my soul shout.

4. I overuse exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. I constantly have lyrics running through my mind and can turn any moment into a song. (I particularly like to incorporate my dog into songs: Black dog singing in the dead of night; Tyson in the Sky with Diamonds; Tyson's just a dog in the world etc.).

6. I wish I could hang out with the Muppets and rock out with Electric Mayhem.

7. I read my son every word of every Harry Potter book. (And he listened and enjoyed every word!). We dressed up for the local Harry Potter festivals and waited in line at midnight to receive our copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It was an unforgettable moment of pure magic.

I would like to share the love with the following extraordinary bloggers. Drum roll please.

My "I Love this Blog Awards" go to:

Alanna my fave frogger of The Chipper Writer

Amanda over at The Patch

Caf from Rellacafa

Endochick from Endometriosis: the Silent Life Sentence

The lovely ladies from Bitter Orange and Brown

I would have also chosen Jeanne from Chronic Healing, but Jenny beat me too it. :) And I would have picked Jenny too. I love her blog.

Each of you are inspiring writers and I adore your witty, insightful and informative blogs. You rock!

Thanks again Jenny! You made my day. What a fun way to spread the blog love and support other bloggers.

TOXIC TRAVELS

2011-01-31T17:30:00.005-05:00

My fellow Endo Sisters were invisible passengers on my recent trip. I thought of them often. I pondered over my story, just one of an estimated 89 million ongoing tales of pain, isolation, exhaustion and sorrow. How many of us have been forced to watch our lives speed by from the sidelines?

We aren't the only ones. My thoughts and concerns were not just with my Endo Sisters. The travel environment also brought Multiple Chemical Sensitivity patients to mind. (It is not uncommon for Endo sufferers to also be afflicted with MCS). While I do not suffer from this condition, exposure to strong chemicals can cause me to develop headaches and nausea. I have avoided the perfume counters at department stores for as long as I can remember.

I encountered several heavily-perfumed women at the airport. One woman's cloud of perfume enveloped an entire waiting area. The scent invaded my senses and lingered in my mouth, like I'd taken a gulp from her perfume bottle. My head began to pulse. My husband and I rushed to a different area and I prayed she would not be seated near us on the plane.

The restrooms had their own overpowering smell, an unpleasant combination of cleaning products, air fresheners and hand soap. Seemed the airport toxins were inescapable.

Though we were lucky enough not to be seated next to the crazy-perfume lady, many other passengers carried-on their own toxic smells. It remains a mystery to me--Are people really this oblivious? Do they not realize their powerful fragrance may be offensive to others? (Especially in the stagnant environment of an airplane!) Do they really need seven squirts to be able to smell their own perfume? How do their loved ones stand their over-the-top aroma?

These issues continued throughout the trip as I confronted similar problems at our hotels.

I realized, with much sadness, many people are unable to travel--grounded by the adverse effects of hazardous products. Even worse, some folks are confined to their homes because of these pollutants. It's not fair.

You don't have to suffer from MCS to be affected by the toxins in our environment. The truth is--we all encounter harmful substances every day in auto products, cleaning products, cosmetics, pesticides, pet care products, air fresheners...the list goes on and on. They are unhealthy for everyone.

If you'd like more information about MCS, I encourage you to visit my friendo Jeanne at her blog, Chronic Healing. You can read her letter to Oprah, written as part of a concerted effort to raise awareness about MCS. You can find her other posts about MCS here. The Canary Report is an excellent resource for MCS topics and links.

The trip really opened my eyes. I want to empower myself as a consumer and research more toxic-free options. Do you have any tips? What are your favorite toxic-free products or manufacturers? What websites do you trust to deliver truthful information? I'd appreciate any comments or suggestions.

I HEART JOE

2011-01-29T16:20:00.004-05:00

Coffee: The recipient of my unrequited love.

I crave it every morning and adore the whole routine. I unzip the bag to inhale the scent of the beans and tilt it until the beans dance into the grinder. The obnoxious whirring ensues as the blades reduce the beans to tiny fragments. The aroma rises as I remove the lid and I take another slow whiff. I dump the fresh grinds into the filter and fill the back of the coffeemaker to the predetermined level. Like magic, the clear water morphs into chestnut-colored concoction that drips into the pot below. Anxiously, I wait for the trickles to cease. I fancy up the java with cream, the color swirls and changes again. I sweeten it with a squeeze from the honey belly and tap cinnamon onto the top. The first steamy sip slips down my throat. Aahhhh. Good morning.

Here's where the relationship gets tricky. I'm never hungry when I wake up. My belly does not appreciate coffee and gets especially irritated by its arrival when it's empty. I have suffered through too many cases of self-induced coffee-stomach to avoid the truth: I shouldn't drink coffee. Yet I still do. I should avoid caffeine, but it's so hard to resist.

My ramblings sound like the mad thoughts of an addict. Dammit.

I pondered all of this as I enjoyed a homemade mocha. I melted Lindt truffles in milk to create a frothy mixture to add to my coffee. It was divine.

As I savored the last sip, I discovered this at the bottom of my mug.

Maybe coffee loves me after all.

SCENE FROM THE JETSONS

2011-01-27T11:42:00.004-05:00

I admit it. The theme song from The Jetsons played in my head while my gynecologist first discussed robotic surgery.

Rosie the Surgeon?

Wait, what? How can a robot perform surgery? I shook the tune from my head and listened to my gynecologist explain the procedure. Suddenly, it clicked. The robot twists and moves with precision in ways a human simply cannot. The high-definition 3D camera sharpens the surgeon's vision with superb clarity. The robot isn't at the controls; the surgeon controls the robot. Genius.

I was "introduced" to da Vinci at the conference two weeks ago. I choked back the lump in my throat as I approached the machine. The anesthesia blocked any memory of the operating room, so it was like seeing the robot for the first time. The victorious robot, my hero.

The rep offered to conduct a simulation. I perched before the powerful machine. My fingers spun the controls, the robot copied my movement. I grasped a rubber band with the robot fingers and lifted it with ease. Success!

I imagined myself on the operating table--underneath the dexterous robotic hands--surrounded by a focused surgical team. Gratitude washed over me.

My robot encounter was an unexpected highlight of my trip. Nice to meet you, my robot friendo. Thanks for being awesome.

I suppose that makes me, "Jane, his wife!"

STANDING UP FOR ENDO

2011-01-22T17:07:00.071-05:00

Last week, I had an incredible opportunity to stand up and tell my Endometriosis story.

I was approached in December by Intuitive Surgical, the makers of the da Vinci robotic surgical equipment, to speak at their sales conference. With my permission, my doctor had shared the details of my severe case and successful robotic laparoscopy. Heather from Intuitive Surgical contacted me and explained their commitment to patients and women's health. Impressed with their mission, I agreed to speak to the 700 attendees.

The conference was scheduled for Florida in January, a delightful bonus of the trip. I grinned as I gazed out the window at the accumulated piles of snow. My husband and I planned our unexpected vacation. We'd travel to Florida on Wednesday, I'd speak on Friday and return home on Sunday evening.

As soon as the holiday rush passed, I focused on my speech. How would I fit my complicated story into the ten-minute alloted time frame? I fussed over each word and practiced in front of my family and friends. My aunt encouraged me to revisit the entire story. I recalled my three unsuccessful laparoscopies and their resulting heartbreak. I relived the agonizing pain and misery my Endo has caused over the last decade. My aunt helped me edit my speech until it popped. My story came alive on the page.

I awoke Wednesday morning to a world covered in white. Heavy flakes fell from the sky in a frenzied parade.

Despite the travel drama that ensued, we made it to Florida by Thursday morning. We arrived at the resort and met with my new friend Heather. I practiced on the stage of the enormous banquet room and prepared to deliver my speech.

Early Friday morning, I shared the brief synopsis of my Endo story with the colossal crowd of strangers--the mistreatment from my previous doctors, the years of searching for answers, the debilitating pain that ripped my life away.

I recalled to them the life-changing moment when my friend (and fellow Endo Sister) referred me to her doctor. I immediately scheduled an appointment. At my first visit, I explained the long, ugly details of my situation. He said I sounded like the perfect candidate for a da Vinci robotic laparoscopy. He was confident he could aggressively remove my endo and stop my pain.

My doctor and the da Vinci robot saved my life.

Surgery is not a cure and my battle with Endo will continue. But my surgery was a miracle. My doctor never could have achieved the amazing outcome without the precision of the da Vinci robot. He removed all of my Endo lesions and fibroids, freed my tangled organs including my bowel, bladder and kidney. He took out my cystic ovary and twisted fallopian tube, which was dangerously growing into my kidney. Attached and intertwined, my organs had been nearly indistinguishable from each other. He accomplished this feat without any damage to my organs. My prayers were answered.

I faced the crowd and expressed my gratitude for their work. I searched for years to find relief from my pain. My debilitating pain had tortured and nearly sucked the life from me. Meanwhile, I unknowingly lived five minutes from my doctor's office and ten minutes from the hospital with the da Vinci robot. I hope and pray my story will help other suffering women and illuminate the possibilities of da Vinci robot for Endometriosis patients in need of surgery.

The crowd rose to their feet in a wave of sincere support and gratitude. I averted my eyes to the floor. Then I looked up to capture this powerful moment in my memory--the sea of smiling faces, the roar of their applause, the recognition of my struggle and the hope for the future of Endometriosis sufferers.

I descended the stage stairs and savored the moment. I'll always remember the kindness and support that radiated from the captivated audience. Many people gathered to introduce themselves, shake my hand and thank me for sharing my inspiring story.

After the conference, my husband and I started our mellow vacation. We soaked up the sunshine and relaxed away the remainder of our trip. We heard Florida was the only state without snowfall that week. I couldn't believe our luck and thanked God for blessing me with this unbelievable opportunity.

The next morning, I opened my eyes and basked in the breathtaking view of the sun peeking over the ocean. A new beginning, a new chapter in my life had begun. The vast horizon represented the untold possibilities of the future--bright, glorious, promising.

I am still glowing from the cathartic experience. I have several ideas to support Endo patients and I'm working on a plan to enact them in my local community. I'll keep you updated on my progress. I believe in our collective power as Endo Sisters. We can stand together to demand better options and research for a cure. This is just the beginning.

Thanks to Heather and Intuitive Surgical for this amazing chance to spread the word about Endometriosis! I sincerely appreciate your work, kindness and hospitality.

A SUNNIER VIEW

2011-01-17T10:18:00.000-05:00

Hey Friendos,

I've been absent online for almost a week, so I wanted to say hello. I'm working on an exciting post that I can't wait to share. I'm going to remain mysterious for now, but I will give you the following clue:

view #1

view #2

I hope y'all had a nice week. I'll share the details of my week soon.

THE DECISION

2011-01-09T13:39:00.003-05:00

I didn't have to wait long. The unemployment decision arrived in the mail yesterday.

I visited my neighbors at their house in the afternoon. Since we live on a private drive, our mailboxes are at the end of our little road. When I left their house, I trudged through the snow to see if Saturday's mail had arrived.

Gentle snowflakes had fallen all morning. A fresh blanket of snow covered the ground. As I walked home, I mindlessly flipped through the contents of my mailbox. To my surprise, a letter from unemployment lay in my hands. A still calm surrounded me. I took a deep breath, looked up to the sky & tore open the envelope.

I skimmed the first page, only interested in the decision. It wasn't there, so I quickly shoved it behind the other pages & scanned the second page. I didn't find the decision there either. My heart raced. I shuffled back to the first page & carefully read each word. Nothing. Ahhh!

Then I turned the first page over. It was a double-sided letter! (Duh). Here's what I found:

"LAW: An individual is not disqualified for benefits if the individual was discharged without just cause in connection with work.

REASONING: The Courts, Commission, and Director, have consistently held that an individual who is unable to work due to a bona fide illness does not engage in misconduct, and is discharged without just cause in connection with work. While the employer may have made the correct business decision for their ongoing operation, since the claimant was unable to return to work, and provided medical statements in support of her claims, she did not engage in any misconduct, which should have resulted in a denial of benefits. Therefore, it is held that the claimant was discharged without just cause in connection with work.

DECISION: The Director's Redetermination, issued September 03, 2010, is affirmed with respect to claimant's separation from (company name). The claimant was discharged by (company name) without just cause in connection with work. Claimant's application remains allowed."

I won the appeal! Again! I rushed back to my neighbors' house to share the terrific news.

I'd love to confidently state that this will be the end of their harassment. However, they have twenty-one days to file a Request for Review. According to the letter, "The request should set forth the reasons why the appellant disagrees with the Hearing Officer's decision." Ughhh.

My gut tells me they are finally going to stop. They know they can't prove I wasn't ill, & that's what they would have to do. If they file their third appeal, I'll just have to speak the truth again. How many times do they need to be told: THEY TERMINATED ME WITHOUT JUST CAUSE. I guess I'll find out soon.

Just like love, the truth prevails.

I can sum up the letter in one word

NOW WE WAIT

2011-01-04T18:46:00.002-05:00

The unemployment hearing went well, as far as I could tell. Their stated reason for the appeal was that my termination was just. As the appellant, they had the burden of proof. In other words, they had to prove they didn't fire a sick person recovering from surgery. The unemployment representative was only interested in whether or not I was too ill to work at the time they claimed I "voluntarily abandoned" my position. With the medical documentation from my physician, there is no question. The damn company knows this, but they keep fighting it anyway.

The head of HR was the representative of the company. He asked her if she had received the documentation from my doctor stating I was unable to work due to a bona fide illness. She had to reply yes, because I have proof of it. Knowing this was the only relevant fact in the case, she then made the most infuriating comment. She stuttered, then stated they actually doubted my condition was a bona fide illness, since I had to push back my return date more than once. It was the most insulting comment ever made about me. I was livid, but kept my cool & allowed her to finish her (despicable) statement. Then I explained my surgery cancellation & severity of my condition.

Hmm...so according to them, my condition isn't real because my surgery was canceled. I can't find any logic in this accusation. Can you?

She proceeded to spew lies, this time about my husband. She claimed he told her I did not intend to ever return to work. In reality, he called her to discuss alternatives to firing me, so I could return to work as soon as I was able. The unemployment rep quickly shot this down. Since she hadn't spoken to me directly, the conversation was irrelevant & inadmissible. He questioned whether she had asked to speak to me during their conversation & she again tripped over her words, lied & said she believed she had. He quickly stated it was unnecessary to speak to my husband as a witness, indicating her main piece of "evidence" was already determined to be bunk. I explained I would have been able to return to work just nine days after they fired me, but I wasn't given the chance. (Zinger!)

When it was my opportunity to ask her questions, I contemplated asking her how she sleeps at night. But since her lack of conscious was irrelevant to the case, I refrained & stated I didn't have any questions. When it was her chance to ask me questions, she began to stammer out a snarky question, thought better of it, & said she had no questions. He informed us he would review the case & a decision would be made as to whether I qualify for benefits.

I was so angry when I hung up the phone. I expected the dishonesty, but I never thought I'd have to defend my debilitating illness as real. I blurted out the details of the call to my husband. He reassured me (several times) that I had done well. It took some time for me to calm down & stop replaying the hearing in my head. Then I consciously refused to let their lies upset me any further. I met my family for a lovely lunch, vented & let it all out with a deep breath.

Now we just have to wait for the decision to arrive in the mail...

hoping to receive this stamp of approval

UNEMPLOYMENT APPEAL

2011-01-03T13:09:00.003-05:00

It has been about three months since I received notification of my former employer's latest appeal of my unemployment. I finally received the hearing date a couple weeks ago. Tomorrow's the big day. The appeal will be conducted over the phone. I'm ready to fight.

I consulted an attorney & she assured me I will have no problem winning the appeal. I'm still nervous though. I can only imagine what they will say. They have already been blatantly dishonest & it seems likely they will continue this vile behavior.

From what I can tell, this is their last chance to fight my unemployment benefits. I cannot wait to finally end this chapter of my life & no longer be subjected to the harassment of this company.

The truth is on my side, so I should not fear. The new year will bring a positive outcome to this negative situation & I will happily move on with my life.

I'm ready to put this crossroad in my rear view mirror

LUCKY GRAPES

2011-01-02T17:41:00.012-05:00

My husband & I had a fun New Year's Eve with a few of our closest friends. The host of the party was mi amiga from Catalonia, Spain. She planned to teach us a Spanish New Year's custom. I had never heard of it & I was excited to learn a new tradition.

my twelve grapes

When we arrived, she explained the custom of 12 grapes in 12 seconds. For each of the last twelve seconds of the new year, a bell rings. At each chime, you have to eat one grape. Or more accurately, you put one grape in your mouth. If you complete the task, you will have good luck all year; if you don't, you will have bad luck. Since I wanted nothing to do with bad luck, I was game.

look at all that luck

She prepared the bowls containing a dozen grapes for each of the guests. As we gathered to watch the ball drop, she had her pan & spoon in hand. She banged off the last twelve seconds of 2010 & I popped a grape in my mouth for each one. This was harder than I had anticipated!

After the eleventh strike, my husband dropped his last grape. I watched the fruit playfully bounce away from him. He quickly dove on the floor & swatted it to the ground, throwing it into his mouth with no time to spare. Cheeks protruded, I choked back a laugh. I was secretly relieved; we were both determined to start the year with a little extra luck.

With so little time between gongs, there was no chance to chew. As the clock struck twelve, I attempted to finish the mouthful of grapes. Juice dribbled down my chin as I looked around & giggled at my silly friends and their grape-packed cheeks. I chewed & chewed & chewed, wondering if I would have to spit some of them out. But I didn't give up & after a few minutes, we had successfully eaten all of our grapes. I planted a sticky-lipped kiss on my husband, a smooch to seal the good luck.

it's hard to chew & laugh!

It was a lively start to the new year. And I've already had a bit of good luck. I think the grapes are working! I hope you had a fun start to your year too.

BLESSED NEW YEAR

2010-12-31T13:05:00.000-05:00

What a year 2010 it has been; it was the most difficult year of my entire life. I spent countless days, tortured by pain, feeling hopeless & terrified.

Still, looking back, there were 365 days this year, & they weren't all terrible. I learned a new appreciation for my health & life. I was surrounded by loved ones who selflessly took care of me. I finally found a competent, caring surgeon who completed a successful surgery. A miracle!

My husband & I celebrated our first year of marriage. I started this blog & met a supportive community of EndoSisters. I attended my first conference for writers & began writing my memoir. I celebrated my birthday & health on a vacation to see my bff (& flew through the air parasailing!) We hosted our first Christmas for our loving family. These are all blessings for which I am truly grateful.

I look to 2011 with anticipation for all that is to come. It's a chance to leave behind my baggage full of fear & worry. My endo has taught me that I am a survivor. Life is always giving us an opportunity to learn & grow. Sometimes the lessons are painful, but they are invaluable & precious. I realized there is no reason to fear. What will be will be. I will handle whatever comes my way. The worst year of my life also brought incredible joy & beauty. This is why I know I can handle whatever 2011 may bring.

As the clock strikes twelve, I will be ready to wave goodbye to 2010 & welcome 2011 with open arms.

I hope this new year brings health, happiness & peace to all of my friendos. Thanks for supporting me through this past year. I am so blessed to have your kindness in my life. As the last hours tick away, I hope you have a chance to reminisce about your favorite memories of 2010. Happy New Year!!

counting down to 2011

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE

2010-12-23T21:36:00.002-05:00

I'm still getting everything ready for Christmas, so I haven't had time to write. Instead, I'd like to share these photos with you.

change of perspective

I wish you peace & love this holiday season Friendos! I hope you have a healthy & safe Christmas. God bless you & yours.

WOOPSY

2010-12-19T22:27:00.000-05:00

For your amusement friendos...

I had a productive day, especially considering it's the second day of my period. I completed a lovely wedding scrapbook for my bff. (I can't wait for her to see it!) I hung up Christmas lights on our porch. Cleaned. Cooked a fab dinner for my fam. Finished nearly all of my Christmas dinner grocery schlepping.

Crampy, I whined to my husband about my missing heating pads. I've looked everywhere, but I can't find my electric or large endofemm pad (with the straps attached). But I had my little endofemm (but no straps) to save me. I threw it in the microwave & quickly ran upstairs. A minute later, a scorched stench collided with me. I opened the microwave & here's what I found:

boooo

I overcooked this one last month & some of the popcorn (unfortunately) popped. Well, apparently I didn't learn my lesson. Except this time, it led to its demise. What a huge bummer. Now I have zero heating pads, when all I want to do is curl up under my fuzzy blanket with one.

Lesson learned--When heating up the popcorn pad, whatever you do, don't walk away.

Seriously, you would not believe this foul smell. I can taste the burnt. It's hilarious.

eewww

RELUCTANT RECOLLECTIONS

2010-12-09T12:18:00.001-05:00

Around this time last year, I started experiencing panicky moments. I was uncharacteristically stressed out, as everyday tasks overwhelmed me. I felt particularly pressured about Christmas. This had never happened to me before; I had always loved Christmastime. I found myself crying over simple matters. When my husband suggested I shop for our Christmas Eve & Christmas necessities without him, I felt like I couldn't breathe & started bawling. He seemed perplexed by my reaction (as was I), but he sweetly agreed to go without me & handled all of it. I stayed home & beat myself up. I couldn't shake my anxiety & it tormented me.

Looking back on it a year later, I have some perspective. When my endo raged, it was in late January. I can now imagine the endo was spreading inside of me, relentlessly attacking my organs. I looked healthy on the outside, but I was sick on the inside. It makes sense to me now-- this was the source of my panic. The storm was on the horizon, threatening my very existence. My body was reaching the end of what could be tolerated. I was soon to be in constant, debilitating pain.

It's difficult for me to think about that time. Winter has arrived again & its luggage includes troubling memories from last year. I'm trying to focus on my countless blessings & gratitude for surviving that horrible time in my life. When it was happening, I couldn't envision the day my pain would end. I tried, but the pain gave me tunnel vision; all I could see ahead was never-ending darkness.

This year, we are hosting our family Christmas for the first time. My husband asked if it was going to be too stressful for me. He didn't want to agree to it if I was going to be miserable. I saw his own recollection of last year written on his face. I explained he would need to help me; he assured me he would. Our eyes met for a moment & he smiled. I held his hand, took a deep breath & exhaled my concerns. I thought about what Christmas really means to me. My favorite part of Christmas is having fun with my family. Everyone having the whole day together to spend laughing, talking, playing & eating. The house full of laughter during our silly white elephant gift exchange & rowdy board games (our new fave is Apples to Apples). No one's day will be ruined if my floors are dirty, my muffins are burnt or their sweater is the wrong size. With this realization, I embraced my old friend Christmas--wrapped my arms snug around it's neck--& happily starting planning the day. A few people are going to stay overnight & I am so excited to have a family sleepover! I can't wait to celebrate the beauty of Christmas with my family. Praise God for seeing me through the worst of my disease. I am so grateful.

My dog has the right idea--relax & enjoy the holidays!

the stockings were hung by the fire with care

How do you handle holiday stress? What is your favorite family holiday tradition? Has your health ever threatened your holiday fun? Please leave a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

FA LA LA LA LA

2010-12-05T14:32:00.005-05:00

I'm getting in the Christmas spirit. It snowed all night here & it's still coming down in beautiful, fluffy flakes.

my happy dog

My sister emailed me photos of my adorable niece & nephew playing in the snow (in North Carolina!).

I listened to my fave Christmas albums as I cooked a yummy breakfast for my fam this morning. I thought I'd share some Christmas cheer with my friendos.

My thoughtful son gave me the album, This Warm December, as a Christmas gift a couple years ago. Jack Johnson & G. Love are high on my all-time-favorite-musicians list. The compilation features fun versions of Christmas classics & new songs from various artists. I particularly like Jack Johnson's updated Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Click here to find more information. They donate 25% of the profits to support children's music education. Awesome bonus!

I'm looking forward to Vol. 2

James Taylor is high on my list too. His lyrical voice exudes an innate sweetness. I received this album a few years ago as a gift from my friendo. I can (& do) listen to it over & over & over. I love singing along with JT. This album has become part of our Christmas morning tradition. You can find it on his website here.

James Taylor at Christmas

The album was originally a limited edition released through Hallmark. This is the one I have, but it looks like you can't purchase it anymore. Luckily, he released the above version & it is available to buy.

A Christmas Album

The albums are slightly different, but mostly contain the same lovely songs.

New Orleans Christmas is a compilation from Putumayo. They celebrate music from around the world with countless choices of exciting albums. They also have a variety of holiday albums. As you might expect, the tunes on this album are peppy numbers that make you wanna shake around & dance. You can find it here.

It's Christmas time in New Orleans

What are your favorite Christmas albums, friendos?

SILAS HOUSE

2010-11-24T14:20:00.002-05:00

My Aunt Darrelyn tells beautiful stories. She's my favorite writer & I adore her. She inspires me to nurture the writer within. And she makes the best book recommendations. When she told me about a local event, featuring author Silas House, I jumped at the chance to go. (You can read her guest posts for Writer's Digest here, including her wise advice to attend book events).

She recommended I start with his first novel, Clay's Quilt. Simply put, it's a story of the bonds of kin & home, set in the glorious mountains of Kentucky. I relate to the heartache & struggles of Clay, a young man who lost his mother Anneth when he was four years old. Anneth's character reminds me of my mom; her beautiful, adventurous spirit taken from her family far too soon.

I love a Southern accent. The spoken words flow like a friendly song. I suppose it stems from my love for my Louisiana family. I hear the voice of my momma when they speak to me. My boring voice longs to imitate each enunciation.

So I was happy just to hear Silas talk, enjoying his Kentucky accent. He introduced the story, explaining he writes to find answers to questions within himself. I had never put it into words myself, but it's the same reason I write. (It's why I often write about my mom or mother loss & my struggles with Endometriosis). He read from his latest novel, Eli the Good. There's nothing like hearing an author read his/her own words. His reading hooked me; it's going to the top of my everlasting to-read list.

After he spoke & answered a few questions, I anxiously got in line to meet him. I was compelled to ask if he had lost his mother at a young age, since his story eloquently described the pain of a bereaved child. He explained his uncle was murdered when Silas was a child, and he drew on those memories for Clay's character. He thought for a moment, then said his mother had lost her mother when she was nine years old. He'd always felt sorrow for his mother. His expression changed as I watched a realization occur to him--his grandmother's death had influenced Clay's character. He said it hadn't occurred to him until just that moment. I shared my loss with him & praised his depiction of mother loss. He signed my book & humbly thanked me for coming out to meet him.

When I got to my car, I carefully turned to the signed page to find these sweet words:
"For Jenny,
I'm glad this book is in good hands.
Yours,
Silas House"

my very own copy

Thanks for sharing this with me Aunt Darrelyn!

THE CYCLE CONTINUES

2010-11-22T13:33:00.001-05:00

After all the anticipation, I got my first post-surgery period on September 25th. I was hoping for at least one pain-free menstruation, but that's not how it turned out. I'm not complaining, though. It was definitely better than it had been for many months prior to surgery.

My body seems to be adjusting to life with only one ovary. I started menstruating on October 24th (29 day cycle) & November 19th (26 day cycle). They arrived with the all-too-familiar symptoms--moodiness, bloating, aching back & cramping. All I want to do is curl up in my comfy pjs & lounge alone with my heating pad. And shed a few tears, at random, until I feel better. You know, the usual reclusive routine.

It's hard not to worry. I try to dissuade the clamor of questions in my mind: How fast will the endo grow? Will my right ovary remain healthy? Should I have gotten a complete hysterectomy?...

Since worry & stress can only make matters worse, I'm trying to stay positive & calm. It's easier said than done, though.

hermit mode

LET LOVE RULE

2010-11-20T18:56:00.006-05:00

Love, Love, Love

I'm still smiling, basking in the hope & inspiration of Love Beats Hate. As I read the posts & comments, I hear the harmony of our voices, telling the universal story of love.

I emphatically agree with the participant who tweeted, "I see #lovebeatshate as a movement more than an event." And we aren't the only ones. I anticipate Love Beats Hate evolving beyond a one-day event. (It already has!).

Here's a link to the list of Love Beats Hate bloggers. Or you can find the collection here.

You can join the conversation on twitter and facebook & share your thoughts about the movement. Together, we can continue to make a positive impact & share the love.

Thanks Friendos!

LOVE PREVAILS

2010-11-17T07:19:00.006-05:00

Love Beats Hate

Dear Friendos,

Thank you for visiting & supporting the Love Beats Hate blogging event today! My sincere gratitude to Jeanne & Diana for their hard work organizing the event. Thank you to all of the participating bloggers & everyone who helped spread the love. You rock.

I've been thinking for days about the power of love in anticipation for today's post. I recalled an organization I discovered a few years ago while researching for my thesis on mother loss. The nonprofit organization Mommy's Light Lives On was started by Mary Murphy, a mother facing terminal cancer, who wanted to help her son prepare for life without her. Together, they decided he would continue a family tradition each year in her memory--baking Christmas cookies. Mary knew continuing this fun tradition would comfort her son in her absence. She was inspired to share this idea with other bereaved families & started the Mommy's Light Lives On Fund in October 1997. Sadly, Mary passed away two & a half months later.

Maintaining Mary's vision, Mommy's Light has continued to grow over the years. Their mission statement (taken from their website) is:
"Mommy's Light brings joy and comfort to children and teens by helping them keep alive traditions and simple pleasures they shared with their mothers. To support young people in adapting to their mothers' illnesses or deaths, Mommy's Light's key initiatives include: (1) free Tradition Fulfillment Services to eligible children and teens; and (2) the development and distribution of education and outreach materials targeting grieving children and the adults who are likely to interact with them."

Mommy's Light volunteers meet with the children & families to discuss their fondest traditions. They pay attention to the details of the memories in order to recreate their custom in the most meaningful way. Traditional fulfillment services keep memories alive & provide comfort & support to children as they grieve. They provide a way for bereaved children to feel close to their mothers & continue important family activities in their absence. It opens the dialog for children to talk about their moms & the feelings they are experiencing. You can click here to read some of the beautiful traditions facilitated by Mommy's Light.

The outreach materials are another invaluable service to families. There is a silence that tends to surround children who have lost their mother. The adults in their lives are also grieving a tremendous loss. It is important to know how to talk & interact with bereaved children to help them process their grief and learn to live with their loss.

I understand the impact of mother loss; my mom died when I was five years old. I vividly remember the silence & loneliness that accompanied my loss. I quickly realized how uncomfortable my situation made others. No one knew what to say or do, so usually they said & did nothing. I'm not complaining. It wasn't that they didn't care. They avoided the topic to protect me. And I seemed fine on the outside. I learned to deal with my grief & pain in silence. So I can imagine the comfort the tradition fulfillment service & outreach education would have brought to me & my family.

My Momma & Me

I am so inspired by the love left behind by Mary Murphy. She created a legacy of love, not only for her son, but for numerous other grieving children & families.

This is an amazing example of how communities, both in-person & online, can offer support & love to those in need. When I was a child, I wasn't able to search for online communities & information to help me deal with losing my mom. Instead, I drifted alone. Thanks to organizations like Mommy's Light, children do not have to feel isolated in their grief. They can learn how to celebrate their mother's love & keep her close to their hearts.

Visit their website for more information. If you know a child who has experienced mother loss, they can provide you with ways to offer your support. If you'd like to learn more about mother loss, I also encourage you to visit Hope Edelman's website. Hope inspired my thesis & has done incredible research on motherless daughters. I highly recommend her books & articles. I found comfort & healing through the pages of her books. She shares her story & the stories of other motherless daughters, normalizing the feelings & grief bereaved children of all ages experience. Hope also serves on Mommy's Light's Advisory Board. Click here to read a letter from Hope to Mommy's Light, describing why she supports their organization.

Please visit the other blogs taking part in this event today! Click here for a list of participating bloggers. I hope Love Beats Hate has brightened your day & inspired you to share the love.

The truth is, love does beat hate. Love prevails. Not even death can stop love.

With Love,
Your Friendo Jenn

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34

Hate doesn't stand a chance against love.

UPCOMING EVENT - LOVE BEATS HATE

2010-11-13T12:38:00.007-05:00

Hey Friendos!

I'm honored to be taking part in a blogging event on November 17th called Love Beats Hate. The event is being organized by fellow bloggers Jeanne & Diana Lee. Visit her blog post, with more information about the event, here.

Love Beats Hate

If you would like your blog to be a part of the event, you can register on Jeanne's site (at the bottom of the post, linked above). Or you can participate by reading the blog posts on November 17. We would also greatly appreciate your help spreading the word about the event. We have registered the hashtag #lovebeatshate on twitter, so you can find all the tweets.

Here's another link with more information about the event.

Let's all gather together & focus our positive energy on the power of love & supporting marginalized populations. It's going to be an empowering event! Thank you for any support you can give.

I HEART BOB

2010-11-07T11:54:00.001-05:00

I have discovered a new love & his name is Bob.

After three weeks & one day of my wheat elimination plan, I discovered Bob's Red Mill products at my local health food store. I was shopping for ingredients for a "stoup" I was planning to make & was feeling slightly discouraged. I always have bread with my soup. I miss bread! That's when Bob's smiling face caught my eye.

I made this simply delicious cornbread & excitedly dunked (several pieces) into my soup bowl. My husband smiled at my delight, as I rambled about how much I have missed my dear old friend Bread, enjoying every morsel.

Turns out, Bob has many wheat-free, gluten-free options. I'm looking forward to trying different ones. Thanks for keeping me on track Bob!

WHISTLE WHILE YOU LIVE

2010-11-05T10:03:00.003-04:00

I'm blessed with the kindest father. He lives his life as a happy man.

He's a whistler. It's a mellow, joyful kind of whistle. Not harsh or shrill. Never seems to be an actual song, just a peppy tune of random notes. It epitomizes his life. He happily moves through each day with a smile on his face & a whistle on his lips. He inspires me to look on the bright side of life. It's impossible to be grouchy whilst whistling. When I am feeling blue, I try to think of my dad & whistle. It always puts a smile on my face.

NEW ENDO FRIENDO PAGE - FOOD JOURNAL

2010-10-16T16:58:00.002-04:00

Hey Friendos!

I am excited to share my latest self-healing endo endeavor with you. I am starting to follow the diet & vitamin recommendations from the book, "Endometriosis: A Key to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition" by Dian Shepperson Mills & Michael Vernon.

I have been feeling some of the all-too-familiar symptoms of my endo: stomach pains, back pain, bloated belly, gas pains & (I think my husband would concur) moodiness. My symptom-free days sure were nice while they lasted, but I know it's time to get serious about my health and nutrition. I confess, I haven't been paying much attention & have eaten (or not eaten) whatever I've wanted. I've been drinking too much coffee & therefore not eating until the afternoon.

So to help keep me on track, I have started another page on this blog, titled "FOOD JOURNAL." Here, I will document my diet, vitamins & supplements, & experiences along the way. If you want to check it out, you can find the page on the right hand side of the blog.

As always, I give you my disclaimer. I am NOT a doctor or medical professional. I am just sharing my personal experiences with you, not providing medical advice of any kind. At all.

I hope to soon experience the benefits of my diet change. I'll keep you updated & please comment! I would love to hear from other endo sisters about their dietary choices.

(p.s. If you decide to purchase this book or any other product from Amazon, I encourage you to go to www.chronichealing.com first, then click on the Amazon ad on the left side of the blog. This will instantly take you to amazon.com & you can begin shopping. Doing so will help support the wonderful Jeanne & her excellent blog. It doesn't cost you anything but a second of your time. Thanks!)

HERE WE GO AGAIN

2010-10-07T14:28:00.000-04:00

My frustration level has hit an all time high!!

My former employer has filed another appeal for my unemployment (what is wrong with these people?!). Now I will have to attend a hearing to fight their idiotic, false claims. Unbelievable!

I am still trying to secure an individual medical insurance plan for my family. I sure don't feel like my medical history is private. I can't believe the questions they ask. It should not be this difficult to find insurance. It's not right!

I just got a letter from a third party affiliate of my former insurance company asking me questions about my recent medical treatment. How is this not a violation of my medical privacy rights? They are trying to ascertain whether someone else may be at fault for my condition, so they won't have to pay my claims. What kind of BS is that?? It's ridiculous! One of the questions was - Was your medical treatment caused by a work related incident? What?? Umm no, I didn't fall down at work & contract Endometriosis. Really?!?

Ughhhh! I better just stop typing now. I'm too angry. No more phone calls for me today. I'm going to go outside & enjoy the gorgeous weather. (Thanks for letting me vent).

At least angry Homer made me smile.

HAPPY WRITER WITH ENDO

2010-09-24T21:52:00.002-04:00

I'm delighted to be attending a writer's conference tomorrow. It's my first one.

This blog and you, my friendos, have been an essential piece of my healing, growth and sanity. And humor preservation.

I've always loved to write. When I was young, usually just my Grandma Rosemary read my stories. Writing for a blog is such a unique form of expression. My meager words can reach across the planet, instantly. I'm still amazed by that. (And worried, because no one loves & appreciates me like my Grandma did).

My question for you, fellow endo blogger, is this. How do you define yourself...a writer who happens to have endo, a blogger who writes about endo, an endo sister who blogs? Or none of the above?

THE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY SHOW

2010-09-19T21:24:00.010-04:00

My wicked itch has improved, so I've downgraded my condition to, The Itchy and Scratchy Show. Hopefully, like a brief spot on a Simpsons episode, I will chuckle & the show quickly will move on. And I'll forget all about it because so many other funny things have happened in-between.

I guess that's why I still proudly proclaim my love for the Simpsons, even after all these years. No matter what my mood, Homer can always, always make me laugh. I was wishing the new season started tonight, but it looks like I'll have to wait one more week.

one of my all-time fave t-shirts

WICKED ITCH OF THE YEAST

2010-09-15T09:49:00.002-04:00

My first day home after my amazing vacation, I started to feel the burning symptoms of a yeast infection. Nothing like a yeast invasion to burst your bubble, huh? Wow, did my soaring bubble deflate fast.

This is the fourth occurrence ever for me. I count myself lucky, considering how many women suffer repeat infections. I have a friendo who is her mid-30s who has never had one. Most women are shocked when she states this fact, as they cringe at the memory of theirs.

That first morning, I started out with a homeopathic remedy, including vaginal suppositories & external cream. I tried this for three days. Though it was a seven day supply, by the third day, I was losing my mind & had to try something else (anything else!). So I bought a one-day Monistat pack, including wipes, external cream & suppository. The external cream exacerbated the itchy (my crotch is on fire!) torture. I had to resign to seeing a doctor. But since it was Sunday, I would have to wait one more day. (aahhh!).

My friendo (the never-had-a-yeast-infection and fellow EndoSister) had called me on Saturday to ask if I wanted to hike with her Sunday morning. I revealed my inconvenient, unbearable situation & told her that my vagina may not want to cooperate with her plan. She quickly responded, "well...you tell your vagina that it has ruled this roost for too long & it's time for her to be nice or you are going to start using tampons again." I laughed so hard I thought I'd stop breathing. And Sunday morning, despite the pain, I sucked it up & took a hike with her. I spent that night tossing in agitation, barely sleeping at all.

In the morning, my condition was much worse. My husband called from work to relay some information about banking or bills or something important to me & I had to stop him mid-sentence & say, "Baby, I'm not going to remember anything you are saying. All my brain can think about is how horrific my vaj feels right now. Let's talk about this later, ok?" He was sweet & tried to empathize. Feeling sorry for myself, I spouted something about how I was being punished for having so much fun last week & my loud declaration (& blog post) about how terrific I was feeling. I thanked him & quickly hung up the phone, sparing him anymore of my ranting.

As fate would have it, I then listened to my cell messages & discovered I had a long-ago-scheduled appointment for today (Monday) with my previous OBGYN, that I had totally forgotten about. It feels like a lifetime has occurred since the last time I saw this doctor. She's the one who referred me to dr #2 for my endometriosis. I had been thinking about the importance of contacting this doctor to explain that dr #2 should not be receiving referrals as an endo surgeon/specialist, based on my experiences. And more importantly, who she should/could be sending patients to see for help. The opportunity presented itself to have this conversation, courtesy of my wicked yeast infection. So I took it.

The doctor listened to the abbreviated version of the last nine months of my endo story. (As my brain shouted, vagina is burning!!! Make it stop!) She expressed empathy through it all. I raved about my new doctor (dr #3) & his knowledge & skills as an endo surgeon. I hope & pray she remembers my story the next time she needs to make a referral for a case like mine.

Hence, even my yeast infection has a silver lining.

I suffered through the brief (felt-like-hours) exam. The last thing my vagina wanted was to be poked & prodded. This is always true, but especially in this irritated state. She decided it was safe to say it was a yeast infection & prescribed an oral dose of Diflucan. I had never taken a pill to treat my previous ones, so this was a surprise. I kicked myself for waiting four days to get checked out & find relief.

Twelve hours after taking the one Diflucan (aka Fluconazole) pill, I was already feeling somewhat better. I can actually think about something besides a scorching vagina. So I feel like I'm heading in the right direction on the (yellow brick) road to recovery.

Ding dong, can't wait till this wicked itch is dead!

FLOWERS FROM MY FRIENDS

2010-09-13T01:23:00.002-04:00

Before my last surgery, my neighbors brought me this cheery arrangement combined of flowers from both of our yards.

lively, colorful, vibrant

Five days later, I related to the droopy arrangement. It was six days until my surgery and my listless body mirrored the faded peony. Limp and hunched over in pain, I saw my reflection in the withering flowers. My vitality draining...slowly away.

weary, pale, arid

Below I'm captured, beaming, two weeks before my wedding day.

July 31, 2009

Eleven months later, agonizing, the evening before my surgery (after almost five months of unending, excruciating pain).

June 8, 2010

I waited until the brittle petals fell, then gently placed the frail arrangement to rest in our woods.

(A stirring song by a fave musician, Ben Harper, kept coming to mind while I wrote this post. So I'll share that too.)

Roses from my Friends

I CAN FLY!

2010-09-09T15:06:00.005-04:00

I am ecstatic to share this post with you friendos!

Exactly three months ago I was undergoing a robotic laparoscopy, facing serious risks and fears. Just three months later, on Labor Day, I crossed an exhilarating feat off my bucket list...I flew!

When I was in the depths of my endo pain, I could barely walk up the stairs. Some days I couldn't get out of my bed because the pain was so severe. If someone would have told me in June that I would be feeling marvelous by the beginning of September, there is no way I would have believed them.

4 days post-surgery

I spent the past week staying with my best friend on an island in the Great Lakes. I decided to take advantage of not having a job & take a relaxing, rejuvenating getaway to celebrate my birthday. (Okay, I admit it. My girlfriends & I love to celebrate our birthweek or sometimes birthmonth to extend the fun!) Two years ago for my birthday, my bff bought me a parasailing gift certificate. I tried to go last year, but the weather didn't cooperate. Now I know why; I was meant to fly in celebration of healing.

I started off small. On Sunday, I had some fun jumping on her trampoline. Bouncing instantly makes me smile. It brings out the silly child in me.

weeeeeeee

The next day my childhood wish came true. I flew through the air like a bird. I spoke & sung to God, thanking him for all of my blessings & answered prayers. I cannot describe the peacefulness & awe. It was truly magical.

taking flight into the gorgeous sky

(Peter Pan was right) I can fly!

flapping my wings & soaring

I felt like a butterfly, emerging from her cramped cocoon to embrace her new, wondrous life.

There is hope. God is listening. I am walking, laughing, flying proof. I went from bedridden to gliding in the sky in just three months.

I know my battle with endo will continue, but days like these sure make the fight worth fighting.

A TRULY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2010-09-07T18:45:00.003-04:00

I'm having a fantabulous, beauty-full birthday! I've spent the last few days with my inspiring best friend, hanging out on her island in the lake. She's busy in the kitchen creating an amazing autumn-infused birthday dinner. It includes a finale of homemade carrot cake & cream cheese icing.

Yesterday, I crossed an exhilarating item off my bucket list. (Post to come friendos!)

Praise God, what a glorious day! I'm off to enjoy my feast.

HOISTING MY YAY FLAGS (AGAIN)!

2010-09-05T13:07:00.001-04:00

I just received the notification that the redetermination unit of unemployment sided with me!

YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The company (jerks) claimed that I had no intention of returning to work as their reason to appeal my benefits. Really?? Then why did I provide you with documentation from my doctor's office with a return to work date? (Also, it's hard to return to work when you get fired!)

Maybe they appeal all requests for unemployment, I really don't know. All I know is that I can finally never, ever have to deal with this shady company again. Yay!

Thanks to everyone for rooting for me. I'm off to celebrate!

HOT FLASH-HAIRCUT

2010-09-04T11:29:00.001-04:00

ahhhhhhhhh

My hot flashes are still coming on strong. I experience them all throughout the day & night. They are so bizarre. One second, everything is fine...next second, I'm on fire. The heat radiates from the inside of my body & my skin pricks out (zillions of) tiny sweat beads. My forehead instanteously creates a puddle. I pant because I feel like I can't breathe.

I've got thick hair & it was driving my neck crazy during these episodes. The day I decided that my hair needed to go, I was ready to just shave my head. If I could have found some clippers before that hot flash faded, I'd likely be writing about my bald head right now. I was ecstatic when I was able to get a hair appointment that day. (Thanks Amy!). I've almost always had long or longish hair. I gotta tell you, I am loving my short, sassy locks! And my neck is sooooo grateful.

WELL...I SPOKE TOO SOON

2010-08-25T10:25:00.000-04:00

I just received notification from unemployment that my former employer filed an appeal to my case. I am disgusted & appalled. I guess they feel they haven't put me through enough already.

It's okay though, because I haven't done anything wrong & I have proof. If they want me to fight, I'll fight. And I'm going to do it with a smile.

slap 'em with a smile

OH HEALTH INSURANCE

2010-08-23T17:15:00.000-04:00

I received my insurance cancellation in the mail. And I made my first (super expensive!) COBRA payment. Ugh. This happened to coincide with reaching my out-of-pocket max for the year. Double Ugh. I called the company to inquire about their policies for individuals purchasing their own insurance. I began to explain my situation, told him I had Endometriosis. "You have what now?" This guy couldn't pronounce Endometriosis after I clearly stated it three times & spelled it twice. He asked me to describe it & (annoyed) I responded, "It's complicated."

He needed to check with his supervisor to see if they would even consider offering me any plan at all (given my condition) & get back to me by the end of the day. (Which he didn't & still hasn't). How frustrating! I'm suddenly not good enough to insure. I seem to remember my insurance payments taken from every single check I received. So why all of a sudden don't you want my money? Interesting.

I'm not a health care expert, so don't get me wrong. But I can't help but think this is backwards. When I go to the market, they sell food & if I can pay for the item, I can buy it. The owner doesn't ask me a list of questions to see whether or not he will sell me the food. Why isn't insurance the same way? If you offer plans in my area, why can't I just sign up & pay a reasonable fee for it.

Or better yet, if you need medical care, you can go to a hospital or doctor's office & receive care. It doesn't matter what your job might be or if your insurance validates your condition, if you need help you can get it. I'm not gonna pretend to know the best way to enact this, but it seems morally correct to me.

A WIN FOR JENNDO!

2010-08-20T14:18:00.000-04:00

I'm waving my YAY flags today!!

Well Friendos I received some super great news!!! I qualified for unemployment, despite my former employer's shady efforts. (HA!)

Here's an excerpt of the letter I received:

"The claimant was discharged by ******************** on ***********. Facts
establish that the claimant's absences were due to medical reasons and beyond his/her control.
Legal standard that determines if a discharge is without just cause is whether the claimant's acts,
omissions, or course of conduct were such that an ordinary person would find the discharge not
justifiable. After a review of the facts, this agency finds that the claimant was discharged without just
cause."

Discharged without just cause...thank you!

I am so grateful. It really takes some of the pressure off while I look for a new job. I am thrilled that my former employer did not get away with trying to deny my rights. Now I can wash my hands of that stupid job & all the stress it brought me & move on with my life. YAY!

TWITTER + KEEPER LOVE

2010-08-19T00:36:00.001-04:00

I'm not yet a huge tweeter, but here's why I love twitter. It's a fun way to quickly share links to all kinds of random, cool stuff.

First of all, twitter recommended that I follow KeeperCup. This alone was very exciting since I didn't find the Keeper on twitter when I looked myself. (If you want to read more about my Keeper Love, here's my post about it).

I checked out the twitter page & found a link to a contest to win a free Keeper. The deadline for submissions is August 31st. If you are curious about the Keeper & wonder if it's right for you, this is the perfect chance for you to try it out for free.

Also, be sure to click the "check this out" link in this post. It shows pictures of the amount of tampons you won't have to use & consume if you switch to the Keeper. It's an awesome visual.

Good luck, I'd be so psyched if one of my Friendos won the contest!

Gracias @KeeperCup & http://www.ultimatemoneyblog.com/ for running the contest.

MARRIAGE VOWS

2010-08-15T11:23:00.002-04:00

Today is my first wedding anniversary!

Wow, what a year it has been. Before marrying my husband last year, we were together for nine years. So he has seen me struggle through ten years of painful periods. He knew all about my moods, tears, cramps and suffering. We had only been married for five months when my endo took over my life (and therefore our life). This is not at all how we envisioned the beginning of our marriage.

We wrote our marriage vows together & proclaimed these same vows to each other. They included this promise, "I will stand by your side wherever our path leads."

Unfortunately, our path has already led us somewhere difficult & draining. He watched me agonize through our newlywed days. I haven't been able to work in months, so he's taken on all of our financial responsibilities. As the bills pile up, including my exorbitant medical bills, he calmly tells me my only job is to feel better. He helps me fight feelings of guilt & anxiety. He has already waited in the hospital through two surgeries this year. He felt my sadness & disappointment when my surgery was postponed. I just had to look at him to feel his empathy. He called 911 when I was curled up on the living room floor, bawling and vomiting. He drove me to the ER twice. He rubs my aching back. He picks up my prescriptions when I can't drive, makes me tea when I'm nauseous, cooks me delicious meals & makes me laugh when I'm sad.

It is a terrible feeling to not be able to help your spouse when she's in agony. I know he felt helpless, but he always stayed strong. He prayed for me & believed I would get better.

Though it wasn't in our actual vows, it turns out the following was implied:

When your endometriosis symptoms rage, I promise to care for you with patience & love.

Thanks Baby for all of your compassion & support! Happy (very first ever wedding) Anniversary! I am so blessed to be your wife & have you as my husband.

PONDERING MY PERIOD

2010-08-12T11:30:00.003-04:00

Between my recent surgeries and the drugs I was taking (NuvaRing for period suppression & Zoladex for faux-menopause), my menstrual cycle is quite confused. (Can you blame it?). I haven't had a period since my surgery, over two months ago. I have to admit, this respite has been delightful. (I may have even forgot for a few days that I will ever shed blood again). But over the last few days, I have noticed a feeling of dread creeping into my thoughts.

It must be coming...it'll probably be today...

The anticipation is grueling. Every time I go to the bathroom, I cringe, and look for the crimson drops to appear.

I am especially anxious to experience my first post-surgery period to see how I'm going to feel. My periods have been so painful, for so long, I can't imagine it being any other way. I did not experience any relief after my first three laparoscopy procedures. So it is difficult not to be skeptical, even though I know this time my surgery was completed correctly. My doctor assured me I will feel like a brand new woman. I hope he's right!

In the meantime, I need to focus on enjoying my current period-free days & know I'll deal with whatever comes with my next period. I wish I just knew what day I was going to start...

MY FMLA

2010-08-05T14:39:00.007-04:00

I am so grateful for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act). When my endo took over this year, I was unable to continue working. This was difficult for numerous (obvious) reasons. With my health in question, it was particularly scary since I held our insurance through my job. It was essential for me to remain insured during this time of frequent doctor and hospital visits.

I originally had no doubt that I would be able to return to work before my FMLA ran out. Unfortunately, I did not foresee all that was to come. (See previous posts for more info since it's a longgggg story). My employer approved an extension to my medical leave for one additional month. And when I still wasn't well enough to work, I was granted another month of medical leave. This was a HUGE blessing because I was reaching my out of pocket maximum for the year on my policy. I was able to retain my insurance plan, but I had to pay the entire monthly payment instead of sharing the cost with my employer. Still, it was going to save me thousands of dollars in the long run.

As the end of the second leave extension approached, I was still too ill to work. I supplied my employer with another note from my doctor explaining my condition. My employer responded with a letter stating that I had "voluntarily abandoned" my position by not returning to work. You see, they are attempting to deny my right to unemployment benefits by claiming I chose to quit my job.

Interesting, huh? Does this mean, in their opinion, that I chose to spend the past six months of my life in agonizing, debilitating pain? Did I voluntarily sign up for endometriosis so severe that my doctor called it "Stage V" endo? I don't remember signing up for this, in fact I wouldn't wish this on anyone, ever. So I would hardly call this a voluntarily situation.

I've applied for unemployment. Now I have to wait it out. I have no idea how long it will take once they attempt to deny the claim. I hope they aren't allowed to get away with it.

(Shhh...the truth is I never liked my job. I took it for the paycheck. And I needed to go back for the paycheck again, especially after six months with no income. This economy is very scary, as we all know by now. It is not the best time to be looking for a job).

While I look for a new job, we will have to rely on COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act). It is crazy expensive, but at least we will remain insured. So I need to be grateful for this too.

I know better things are to come. I am beyond blessed with my post-surgery recovery, considering how severe my endo had become. I am choosing to see this as an opportunity to find a job I can love. (Or at least one I don't hate). I have anxiety...but I am not going to let it get me. All I can do is remain positive and keep looking!

OUR BODIES, OURSELVES

2010-08-03T13:30:00.001-04:00

Here's a tried & true fave book of mine.

I discovered OBOS a few years ago while perusing bookstore shelves. It has been a helpful resource for me ever since. I wish I would have owned it when I was a young girl. What a great gift for daughters, granddaughters, nieces (or any young woman) to help educate them about their bodies and encourage them to take an active role in their health. Though much progress has been made, unfortunately many subjects about women's health remain taboo & myths continue to thrive. OBOS offers detailed information to debunk these myths & encourage self awareness.

Click here for a link to all their publications. If you are interested, you can also sign up for their newsletter or follow their blog on this website.

WHAT NUMBER IS YOUR PAIN?

2010-07-28T22:37:00.000-04:00

What number is your pain? (aka the most annoying question to be asked when you are in pain!!!!!!!!!!!!) The above drawing is the visual representation of this question, the Wong-Baker Faces Scale. When you are in pain, this ridiculous cartoon is insulting and absurd. I mean, seriously.

I was hospitalized in the beginning of March due to unbearable, excruciating levels of pain. Shallow, hyper breathing led to numb hands, and the pain in my stomach shoved vomit out of my mouth. By the time my husband got off the phone with the on-call doctor, I couldn't even stand up. If my stomach would have exploded, spraying my organs all over my living room, it wouldn't have been surprising. Getting into his car was inconceivable, so he called an ambulance.

As the paramedics were wheeling me out of my home, one of them asked me, "What number is your pain, on a scale from 1 to 10?" (Now I realize he was just following protocol, and they were all very kind to me, so don't get me wrong. However...) I wanted to screech, "What the hell do you think!?!! I am bawling, vomiting, and being carried on a stretcher (into the cold without my socks, shoes or jacket)!!!! Ummm if only I had a chart of cartoon faces for each number, I would be better equipped to answer this question. I'm at freakin' TENNNN!!!! Actually, I might as well be at a 10,000!!!!"

If you have ever been in the hospital in terrible pain, it probably won't surprise you that I endured being asked this damn question over & over during my three day stay. The nurses would bring the morphine & before they would administer it, they would ask for my number. Each time in my head, I rolled my eyes and flicked them off...but actually responded, I hate this question, followed by my number. (I know they're following protocol too. And I appreciate their work too). Meanwhile I thought...

I have not felt every possible pain, okay?! I'm sure if a rabid lion pounced and mauled me, I may experience a higher level of pain. If I was run over by a semi truck seven times and then trampled by wild boar, yeah that might hurt more than this does. But as you may have noticed, I am still crying, doubled over with pain, my white blood cell count is elevated. So right now, it seems this is maximum misery. Can't you just look at me and ascertain this obvious fact? I don't need a Comfort Scale (aka Wong-Baker Faces Scale); I don't even remember what comfort feels like. I need morphine!!

The question feels more like an interrogation. You might be an addict, you know. (But I'll talk more about my experiences with pain meds in a later post).

(Jenndo observes) Poor 8 really wants to cry, but she's too fatigued to hear another person tell her to toughen up. And she's gotten used to choking back her tears. Sometimes even 6 cries too. Because pain sucks. And what number is your pain is hard to answer in one syllable. Feel free to attach whatever number you see fit to the description above.

WITHDRAAAAAWAL

2010-07-26T12:58:00.001-04:00

The indescribable pain is gone. It is a miracle. (My doctor's word choice & I concur).

The pain arrived at the end of January. I started taking Vicodin (acetaminophen and hydrocodone) to cope. And I just stopped taking it last week. That's a long, long time (for someone who has never taken narcotics). Vicodin gave me the ability to slightly function; without it, I would have never gotten out of bed.

After six straight months of daily Vicodin use, it is fair to say that my body has become dependent on this drug. I didn't worry about this when I was in pain. I knew I would have to deal with it someday, but it was a small price to pay for the relief.

Last week, I started to reduce my use. I wanted to just stop taking it completely, to be done with it forever. But I knew that wasn't the way to do it. I would have to wean off the drug.

The first and worst symptom I experienced was extreme body aches. It was similar to the last time I got a terrible flu. My entire body screamed. I felt like I couldn't move. It was a frightening reaction, as if my whole body was demanding this drug.

Nausea, headaches, stuffy nose, shortness of breath & anxiety soon joined the body aches. I called my doctor's office for help. The doctor suggested I switch to Darvocet since it is not as strong as Vicodin. I was instructed to take the Darvocet at the times I was taking Vicodin, and reduce by one dose each week. I am now taking two Darvocet pills a day. I am still having minor withdrawal symptoms, but the Darvocet has helped. I can't wait to stop taking it all together, to take one more step toward a healthier life.

HIGH TIDE OR LOW TIDE

2010-07-20T17:28:00.002-04:00

This is one of my most favorite songs. I've got two versions for ya. The orig Bob version & the super awesome cover by Ben & Jack.

This song represents all the love & close relationships in my life. (We love it so much, it was our bridal party dance song).

I dedicate this song to everyone who helped me find my way through one of the worst times of my life. It was a low, low tide. I'm gonna always be your friend.

JENN IN ZEN?

2010-07-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

The Gracefield Labyrinth

I am attempting to utilize these weeks as an opportunity to find my inner calm space. Bask in the comfort of the quiet peace. I've been interested in meditation for awhile, but haven't yet given it my all. It's feeling like the time is now.

With perfect timing, I just discovered that my aunt (I am blessed with many wonderful aunts, you may have noticed) has a labyrinth at her church. I didn't really know about labyrinths (my first thought was the movie), so I have been doing a little research. I'm feeling so inspired by the concept.

A labyrinth is one connected path, leading you either to the center or the entrance/exit. You are never lost. There are no tricks; it's not a maze. You walk the path to your own tempo. Along the way, you can meditate & pray. Beauty-full.

I want to find space in my yard to create one for our home. I'm drawn to meditation, but am a novice & haven't mastered sitting still & quieting my mind. Incorporating movement into meditation by walking the labyrinth seems it would create a focus & the beauty of the outdoors would help quiet my mind.

I liked this website's explanation of labyrinths & their openness to sharing theirs with others. The serene labyrinth picture above is their creation. Visit the link for more information.

It may take some time for me to create my own, but I am excited knowing my aunt's church is a short car ride away. I can't wait to experience it for myself!

I want to be Zendo Jenndo even with Endo, my Friendo. (You know I can't resist a fun rhyme & making up words!)

SMILING'S MY FAVORITE

2010-07-09T12:39:00.000-04:00

Why am I thinking about Christmas movies again? It's summer & hot as all get out.

Whatever time of year, this scene is one of my faves. And so is smiling! Here's to having something to smile about.

ENDOFEMM

2010-07-07T14:55:00.000-04:00

I am excited to share my experience with an endo-related product I recently purchased. It's called EndoFEMM. I randomly stumbled across their site a few weeks back. I decided to give it a try.

EndoFEMM is a reusable popcorn-filled pad that can be used as a heating pad or an ice pack. It is specifically shaped for cramps & pelvic pain. (It kinda looks like a big pair of panties. See above). EndoFEMM comes equipped with loops to attach velcro straps (sold separately) so you can wear it on your stomach. This feature was what sold me. I could heat up the pad, strap it on, & move around (do dishes, fold laundry, play with my doggy etc.).

During the peak of my pain, I was using my plug-in heating pad a lot. A LOT. So much in fact, that I unknowingly burned my stomach. I realized this not because of pain, rather the strange lines that appeared on my belly. I didn't realize I could burn myself without knowing it, but apparently I did. So I decided it may be time to retire that old heating pad. So my random discovery of their product was timely.

I placed my order a couple weeks before my surgery. With that in mind, I decided to purchase two pads. I bought the original size & the travel-size (called Endo-Lite). I figured both would come in handy. My plan was to have one available as a heating pad & one as an ice pack.

I found the ice pack to be tremendous for post-surgery pain. I liked it so much, I ended up putting both pads in the freezer, so I could alternate & always have one of them cool & ready to use.

I found another use for them too. When they have lost their cool, I place a regular ice pack in between the pad & my belly & it holds the ice pack in place. I am happy with my purchase & recommend EndoFEMM for their effectiveness, shape/design, portability & dual use capabilities.

This is their website if you want to check them out: http://endofemm.com/products.html

They seem like they would be quite easy to make too.

HOW ARE YOU?

2010-07-05T11:20:00.001-04:00

Hey Friendos! I have many post drafts I have been working on for the past few months. I still want to share these posts, even if some of them are no longer current. Here is the first one. So don't be confused, I am still improving & feeling better.

How are you? A simple enough question, right? It used to be. Lately, I have been having trouble answering this question.

When people close to me ask me how I am & they really want to know, that question is getting harder to answer. I am trying to remain positive, but the truthful answer to this question is not positive. It's quite depressing really. I don't want to be Debbie Downer. I certainly don't want them to think they have to endure lengthy medical discussions in order to have a conversation with me.

Here's a great example. Weeks into my daily pain, my Dad asked me how I was. I responded good. His face lit up & he excitedly responded, "Really?! You're feeling better?" I replied, "Well no, I'm not good. I'm the same." I felt terrible as the smile faded from his face.

The best answer I have found so far is, I'm the same. It's a simple answer & I can be truthful without delving into all the ugly details.

When things got bad, I initially retreated into hermit mode. I didn't call my friends or my family. I felt like I had nothing positive to say, so I didn't want to talk to anyone. I'm a talker, so this isn't normal behavior for me. I started to slip into a lonely depression & it would have been easy to plummet to the bottom of that hole. Luckily, I recognized what was happening & consciously pulled myself up. I tend to go into hiding during my period, when I'm at my worst. Who doesn't want to be home when they're ill? That worked fine for me when my worst wasn't every day. I had to develop new strategies & fast.

The main new coping mechanism was starting this blog. It gives me a place to voice everything I'm feeling. If someone is interested in all these details, then they can read this blog. Since they are reading it voluntarily, I don't feel guilty for expressing the truth of my condition. It's brilliant.

I sincerely appreciate anyone taking the time to ask me how I am. So please don't take this as complaining. I am very aware how blessed I am to have people who truly care how I am.

I hope the day comes when this is an easy question to answer again. I can't wait to tell everyone that I am good & mean it!

TWO WEEKS POST-SURGERY

2010-06-23T15:00:00.001-04:00

Hey Strangers!

Two weeks have come & gone since my surgery. I have been resting, healing & slowly nursed back to health. Every day is better than the last. Every day is another step away from the hell I was living. I am blessed & grateful to be here. Praise God!

I'm still experiencing pain, still on the Vicodin...but I anticipate the end is near. I can tell the pain is from the surgery & it's different from the pain I endured for the last five months. My doctor assures me I am going to feel like a new woman & I feel confident that I will.

I'm still not up to writing all the details of the surgery, but I will soon.

For now, I am thrilled to be on the other side of this surgery, looking back. I am so excited to leave my house for reasons other than going to the hospital. We may even head to the lake on Saturday! Just for fun! I barely remember what it's like to make plans & have a good time. I know if I'm not up for it this weekend, it won't be long till I am.

I am so happy to blog again & look forward to interacting with y'all again!

Sincere thanks to all of you for your prayers, support & understanding. You helped me maintain my sanity.

Talk to you soon!

QUICK UPDATE

2010-06-14T14:22:00.000-04:00

Hi Friendos!

I only have the energy for a quick update. My surgery actually happened, so yay! Overall, the procedure went well. I am home recovering & feel a little better every day. I am surrounded by love & my family is taking excellent care of me around the clock.

Thanks to everyone for all of your prayers, positive energy & support! I know it helped me! I am so grateful for all of you.

I will post all the surgery details soon...

Until then, take care everyone.

Love,
Jenndo

SLOW COUNTDOWN - DAY 4

2010-06-05T18:05:00.001-04:00

I have been too sick to blog & it really sucks. I've been hospitalized twice this week, Tuesday for severe pain & Friday for severe pain & dehydration. I don't know what happened, but I couldn't hold anything down yesterday & spent the afternoon vomiting. Luckily, I recognized the beginning signs of dehydration & got to the hospital. By the time the doctor could see me, I was in rough shape with cold sweats, numb limbs, excruciating abdominal pain. I think it was the worst I have felt through all of this...and that's really saying something.

An x-ray showed that I have a back up of stool, but it wasn't far along enough for an enema to help. So now I am taking stool softeners & laxatives, hoping I can get moving. The doctor said I shouldn't wait until the day before the surgery to start because I would need more time to clear my bowels.

Today is better, I haven't thrown up & my pain isn't as bad. My doctor increased my meds to two Vicodins every four hours, instead of one. It is providing some pain relief, enough that I can somewhat function (and blog!).

My aunt came over to perform my first pre-surgery Jin Shin Jyutsu session. It was wonderful & relaxing.

The next four days cannot pass fast enough for me. All I can do is pray this surgery is going to help. And that I am done throwing up.

This isn't me, but it kinda looks like my hair & I love her cute dress.

CYCLEBEADS

2010-05-29T14:48:00.000-04:00

Still on the topic of menstruation, I'd like to discuss CycleBeads. They are a simple way to visually track your cycle each month.

My strand, same as the one pictured above, contains one red bead, nineteen brown beads, and twelve white (fancy, glow-in-the-dark) beads. Here's how it works: Each bead represents a day of your cycle. The red bead represents the day you start your period, day 1 of your cycle. The white beads represent the days you are likely to be fertile, days 8-19 of your cycle. The brown beads represent days you are unlikely to be fertile, days 2-7 & 20-32 of your cycle. There is also an arrow bead pointing toward the red bead, so you always remember which direction to move the rubber circle. By moving the rubber circle to a new bead each day, you work your way around the strand & your cycle. Each time you start another period, you move the rubber circle to the red bead on that day & then continue around the strand each day in the same direction.

They are designed to work for women who have cycles between 26 & 32 days long, so be aware they are not effective for everyone.

The 26th bead (from the red bead) is a slightly darker brown. This indicates a 26 day cycle. If your next period begins before you reach the dark brown bead, then your cycle is shorter than 26 days & this method will not work for you. Keep in mind, you will not necessarily use every bead in the strand each month, since you always start over on the red bead the day of your period. Also, if you have utilized every bead in the strand & still haven't started your next period, they will not be effective because your cycle is longer than 32 days.

If your cycles are between 26-32 days, then CycleBeads can be used both to help plan & prevent pregnancy. Therefore, they are useful through different stages of your life. I actually purchased mine to keep track of the days of my cycle, helping me chart my symptoms, emotions, moods, cravings & pain levels as they correspond to each day of my cycle. Using them has made me more aware of my cycle & the changes I experience throughout the month.

You can find out more about CycleBeads at their website. They have introduced different colored strands since I purchased mine. The idea is the exactly the same though, each set contains light colored beads, dark colored beads, one red bead, one arrow & one rubber circle.

I appreciate mine tremendously! I feel more in tune with my body when I use them. If you are interested, I encourage you to do your own research to see if they are right for you.

SURGERY (RE)COUNTDOWN - DAY 14

2010-05-26T23:48:00.003-04:00

Well here I am again, counting down the days until my surgery.

I've reached the halfway point; two weeks have passed since my surgery was canceled & my new surgery date is in two weeks. Let the countdown begin.

I'm having deja vu...

LUNAPANTIES

2010-05-25T13:15:00.001-04:00

I just discovered these online, so I haven't tried them, but I am loving this idea! It's a washable pad & underwear in one.

This is a link to their website. Their description states, "Lunapanties are a wonderful hybrid of underwear and Lunapads that have a fleece gusset panel permanently sewn in, making them an all-in-one replacement for disposable Pads and Pantyliners." They have four underwear styles: bikini, brief, hipster & thong. Sizes range from XS to 3XL.

The design seems genius! They look comfortable, like they wouldn't bunch up on you. You can also secure additional liners in the underwear for increased protection.

Again, it's another choice & I love knowing all my options!

They are a little pricey, but could very well be worth the investment. Plus, they are two products in one. If you sign up for their email newsletter at the checkout, you will receive a $5 off coupon for orders over $35. You qualify for free shipping on orders over $75.

I am going to have to buy a pair, and I'll let you know what I think!

SUNSHINE & SMILES

2010-05-23T15:43:00.005-04:00

It's a beautiful, sunshiny day out there. I wish I felt better so I could go for an around-the-lake hike. But I don't, so I'm enjoying the sun on my porch instead.

I discovered some new music in my mailbox yesterday, sent to me by my sweet friend. This is one of the songs. It's so perfect for today & it is making me smile! Xave is my fave!! Hope you enjoy it too.

HAPPY ABOUT GLADRAGS

2010-05-21T12:00:00.004-04:00

GladRags are my other favorite alternative menstrual product. And I am equally excited about them! They are absorbent & convenient. I have owned mine for years & month after month they continue to provide superior protection. I have even used my GladRags after surgery for heavy bleeding & they worked well. There are different sizes to choose from, I recommend getting a few of each size for all of your flow needs.

GladRags are comprised of holders & inserts. Depending on the size, the inserts either slide into or fit inside the holder. On heavier days I use two inserts, on medium days I use one insert & on lighter days I don't need the inserts at all. The holder (with or without inserts) simply snaps around your underwear, forming protective wings. It's that easy.

You just throw them in the washing machine & they come out fresh, clean & ready to use again. They recommend soaking them before washing, but sometimes I only have to rinse them off before washing.

They are available in flannel cotton & organic cotton. Some sizes have a layer of terry cloth between the outer cotton, for increased absorbency. I have both kinds & they are both awesome.

My GladRags are incredibly & surprisingly comfortable. Especially compared to commercial pads. Wearing commercial pads used to make me cringe & I avoided using them as much as possible. Now I happily wear my GladRags during every period & use them in conjunction with my Keeper for all of my menstrual needs.

If you are interested in checking them out, you can find their website here. When I made my first purchase, I bought one of the kits & it came with a discreet carrying bag. It is divided into two sections, so you can keep your clean & used rags separate.

There are other brands of reusable pads (some made of other materials) out there. I've heard of Lunapads. Upon googling, I just discovered Moonpads on etsy & ones called Fussy Butt on Mama Cloth Online. I even found instructions for making your own reusable pads. It actually seems pretty simple...I might even be able to do it!

Someday I'm going have to calculate how much money I have saved over the last seven years.

For me, it has been win-win-win-win. They are comfortable, effective, save money & help the environment. I sure am glad I found them!

I'M KEEPIN' MY KEEPER

2010-05-19T14:04:00.003-04:00

I'm excited to open a dialogue about alternative menstrual products. I personally use the Keeper, a menstrual cup made of natural rubber. They collect & hold your menstrual flow, as opposed to tampons which absorb it.

I have consistently used my Keeper during every period for (...counting on my fingers) about seven years. From the first time I used it, I couldn't imagine using commercial tampons & pads ever, ever (ever) again. I love it so much, that I imagine every woman would too. (Though I realize this may not be true).

It infuriates me that so many girls and women do not even know menstrual cups exist. I didn't know until a friend shared with me how much she loved hers. I was in my 20s at this point, and was sincerely shocked about this new information. I was so brainwashed that commercial tampons & pads were my only options, it took some time to process. (I'm not kidding!) Finally after much thought & research, I bought mine online (for only $35!)

I had an eye-opening experience with a former gynecologist of mine (aka dr #1) who was unaware of the Keeper. Yes, I said my OB/GYN was clueless about menstrual cups. She looked at me like I was a dirty, disgusting psychopath. (I'm not exaggerating). I encouraged her to get informed so she could provide complete information for her patients. I was appalled by her ignorance & reaction!

I believe it can be an empowering experience for women to realize they have other choices than stupid pads and tampons. It really was for me. My tampon/pad brainwashing was extremely ingrained. It's a big money business, after all. I have a hell of a time convincing women, even some of my closest friends, there are other options. Even though the reasons are countless (and my sincere enthusiasm is so over the top, that it is ridiculous). Here are some of those very reasons:

~No bleached cotton to cram in your (often reluctant) vagina.
~No risk of TSS.
~They can last for a long as 10 years, 10 years!
~You never run out of protection. You just have to remember to tuck it into your bag. And believe me, the fear of having to use tampons or pads will lead to you never forgetting it. I never have.
~Environmentally friendly.
~You can accurately keep track of how much you are bleeding each month, and can more easily track changes.
~Some women "recycle" their collected blood & use it to feed and provide nutrients to their plants to help them flourish and grow. I haven't yet, but it seems logical.
~It is totally comfortable.
~It is liberating and empowering.
~It's convenient.
~It's inexpensive, can you imagine the money you'll save!
~Unbeatable for running, hiking & especially camping etc.
~You can leave it in for up to 12 hours (yep, TWELVE HOURS!), which can often mean only having to deal with it in the privacy and (most importantly) cleanliness of your own bathroom... Yay!

The only down side I have ever encountered was not having a spare tampon to share with a woman in need. However, there is almost always another woman around the corner who does have one to spare & share.

Click here if you want to go to The Keeper's website. If you're interested in their informative article that discusses reasons not to use tampons, click here.

There are other brands of menstrual cups. I have heard of the DivaCup & the Mooncup. They are made of different materials, so you may prefer one over the other. These ones are made of medical-grade silicone. Otherwise, it seems they are very similar, though I have not tried them myself. They very well could be just as fabulous.

While writing this post, I googled menstrual cups & discovered a disposable product. (It was news to me). I found one named Softcup. I need to do more research about it, but my initial reaction is yay for yet another choice!

I hope you will leave a comment. I think we could have an interesting discussion!

Thanks Friendos! (My next post on the topic will be about my GladRags). I could continue to ramble on about my devotion to my Keeper, but I think you probably get it...

LAUGHTER ENSUES...ALWAYS

2010-05-18T13:05:00.001-04:00

As an unfortunate consequence of my postponed surgery, AF paid another uninvited visit. I removed my Nuva Ring at home before I left for the hospital, so it was out for over five hours. I guess since it was almost the end of the three week cycle, my (poor, confused) body thought it was time for a period. My already high-level pain has increased. It's not cool.

Anyway, I have a few posts I want to share on the topic of menstruation, so it seems like good timing. Here's the first one...

I received the letter below as a forwarded email some time ago, so you may have already read it. As I do with all chain emails, I looked it up on snopes.com. Here's what snopes has to say. I really don't care if the author's real name is Wendi, or if she actually sent this letter to P&G. I could read it seven thousand times and still laugh until I cry. I say, right on sister! And wish I could have her over for dinner. Enjoy!

"This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX"

SHOPPING ON MY SHELVES

2010-05-16T16:46:00.003-04:00

I'm preparing myself for the next few weeks & the continuation of my hermit-ish life.

On Mother's Day, I got out of the house & visited Borders with my family. I love aimless bookstore-strolling adventures. Happily, I stumbled upon a great deal on one of Dr. Wayne Dyer's CD collections, The Secrets of an Inspirational (In-Spirit) Life. I have been listening for a few days & I am enjoying it immensely.

I've also been perusing my own bookshelves, looking for books I have already bought, but haven't yet read, to enjoy. (Sometimes, I buy several books at once & take awhile to get to them all). Of no coincidence, today I discovered my unread copy of Dr. Dyer's book Inspiration on my shelves & realized it is the book on which he based these CDs. It seems to be the exact right moment in my life to hear his inspirational messages. (And how exciting it came to me in two formats!) His book has patiently waited on the shelf & I'm excited to open the cover & finally float inside.

It's so funny, I just listened last night to the incredible story about the butterfly on the cover. And I still didn't realize I had the book upstairs.

I'm already feeling more peaceful & (truly) inspired. I just love Dr. Dyer!

DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND OUR CONTROL...

2010-05-13T16:23:00.010-04:00

Hey friendos! You are never going to believe this but...my surgery was CANCELED. So I'm doing fine, at least physically.

I thought I had prepared & thought of every possible scenario. Well, I was wrong. Everything started off fine. I was admitted, put on my gown, had my IV in place. I was listening to my guided imagery, feeling calm & ready. My nurse informed me that my surgery was going to be delayed one or two hours. I was disappointed, but figured I would just use the time to listen to my guided imagery. When the nurses had me prepped, my husband came back to wait with me.

My nurse moved us to a room with a TV since our wait was extended. Then she came back & said my doctor was on the phone & needed to speak with me. That's when my stomach dropped. I knew he did not have good news. He explained there were issues with the surgery before mine & it was expected to take several hours longer than expected. The hospital only has one robotic laparoscopy machine, and therefore my surgery was likely going to have to be rescheduled. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! My first thought was the torturous bowel prep that I endured the day before. How could that have been for nothing? And how could I force myself to do it again? I looked desperately at my husband & gave him the thumbs down sign. His face, his entire body, sank. I started to cry. How could I just get dressed & go home? I couldn't!

We decided to wait another half hour & reassess at that time. My empty stomach growled. I hadn't taken my pain medication since midnight & was in severe pain. I talked my doctor into giving me something for my pain while I waited. Forty-five minutes later, he called again. Surgery today was an impossibility. He apologized. He said he never had to cancel a surgery before. This did not make me feel better. I looked at my husband & cried some more.

I wanted to yell, but at who? It wasn't anyone's fault & no one was happy about the situation. I thought about the woman who was in surgery & prayed for her. I could only imagine the seriousness of her situation & what she was going through.

I explained to my doctor that I was likely going to lose my job over this. I have already used all of my FMLA time, and my work had given me a thirty day extension as an "accommodation." I was scheduled to return to work on May 23rd. They could have legally fired me when my FMLA ran out. They have no legal obligation to allow me any more time off. I carry my health insurance with them; if I lose my job, I lose my health insurance. He said he would have the head nurse come to speak to me. She provided me with documentation regarding what had occurred. I can only hope it will be enough for me to keep my job & insurance.

So I had my IV removed, got dressed & left the hospital. My husband took me for a quiet, delicious lunch. We talked & tried to stay positive. It must have happened for a reason. Maybe something terrible would've happened to me if I had surgery today. I looked for the blessing in disguise & trusted God was looking out for us.

My new surgery date is June 9th. Four more weeks! There is a small chance he will have a cancellation before then, but it's very unlikely. I have to wrap my head around four more weeks of this life. I have no choice but to stay positive & wait.

SURGERY COUNTDOWN - DAY ONE

2010-05-11T12:40:00.000-04:00

My surgery is tomorrow. One more day.

Today is an all liquid diet day. You'd laugh if you saw how stocked my fridge is with fluids. It's just one day, after all. I've also got jello, vegetable broth & popsicles. I'm irrationally afraid I will forget & eat something solid or have a drink after midnight. I'm ridiculous.

I will be starting my bowel prep shortly, and therefore I won't be leisurely sitting at the computer today.

I have only done one other bowel prep. It was in February for my third lap. This time I know what to expect...and it ain't fun. I'm as prepared as I can be - I cleaned the bathroom last night, have a delicious smelling candle, gentle wipes, reading material, sudoku book & vomit bucket. I'm already wearing the Sea-Bands & I'm praying they'll help with the queasiness.

Let's get this shit over with...literally.

I want to thank my friendo Jeanne for sharing her post about bowel preps with me. You can find it here. Thanks to Jeanne, I do not have to drink the Golytely my doctor originally prescribed. I asked him at my pre-op appointment if I could instead take Dulcolax + Miralax mixed in blue Gatorade. He said either way was fine. He wouldn't have provided it as an option if I hadn't had been informed about it. Yet another example of why you have to do your own research & be your own advocate!

Thanks again Jeanne! You (& your blog) are the best!!

Wish me luck friendos. Thanks for your support!

AN ALTERNATIVE NAUSEA TREATMENT

2010-05-11T01:01:00.007-04:00

I discussed my nausea concerns with the anesthesiologist before my third laparoscopy. He recommended trying these special wristbands for an alternative nausea treatment. The hospital did not have them, so he improvised & applied folded pieces of gauze onto the acupressure points on each wrist & tightly secured with tape.

I wanted to try the product for my next surgery, so I went to purchase the wristbands today & to my surprise had some difficulty finding them. I finally found a pair of Sea-Band wristbands at the fourth pharmacy I tried.

I have been occasionally experiencing nausea for the past four months. These symptoms increased over the last few weeks & I have been especially nauseous at night before I go to bed. I have a prescription for Phenergan, but because of the side effects I try not to take it often. It's just a tiny pill, but it sure does knock me out.

Tonight when the nausea started, I placed the Sea-Bands as instructed. I am happy to report they seem to be helping! I'm always happy to find safe, drug-free alternatives.

You can visit the Sea-Band website for more information.

JIN SHIN JYUTSU

2010-05-10T17:58:00.004-04:00

Jin Shin Jyutsu in the privacy of my home. I'm a lucky girl!

The surgery countdown is already at two days. I guess time flies even when you're not having fun.

Another pre-surgery routine of mine involves the ancient art of Jin Shin Jyutsu. Have you heard of it? (I’ll try to provide a brief description, though I fear I won’t do it justice). The intention of Jin Shin is to balance energies for healing & good health. Practitioners gently & intuitively place their hands or fingertips on various spots along energy pathways. They feel for the energy pulses & if they discover a blocked area, they send energy to that location. Blocked energies create disharmony, accruals of funk. Jin Shin helps restore the body's natural balance.

During my first session the practitioner sensed a few energy blockages, all occurring on my left side. He consulted his book & discussed the obstructed areas & their corresponding meanings. Jin Shin encourages self help, so he taught me where to place my hands to send energy to these stagnant areas. I was in awe of the session. I felt the cadence of my inner euphony.

The session occurred about a month before my second laparoscopy. He advised me to have at least one more session beforehand. I saw him again the day before my procedure. He taught me a Jin Shin sequence my husband could utilize in the recovery room & at home to aid my healing called Opposite Fingers and Toes. Click here for a helpful chart & description.

I do believe Jin Shin Jyutsu brought me energy, light & a speedier recovery. (See this post for more details about my second lap recovery). My doctor explained after the surgery nearly all of my endo issues were on my left side: nearly all of my endo growths, large fibroid & cystic ovary. I realized it was no coincidence that my energy blockages occurred on my left side too.

Because of my positive experience with pre-surgery Jin Shin, I scheduled an appointment for my son before his tonsillectomy. Afterwards, he succinctly relayed his experience. He said it was the first time his entire body felt as one. He was not made of individual parts - arms, legs, fingers – but one flow of energy. I understood as I recalled my own harmonizing experience. (I gotta say, I was quite impressed with his description. It's hard to put into words).

I also recommended Jin Shin to my aunt, and she began studying the art shortly after her first session. So I’m blessed with my very own in-the-family practitioner. She even makes house calls! We have three specific appointments during the week prior to surgery & a few sessions after surgery. I can’t yet explain all the intricacies, and it isn’t necessary that I can. I just get to close my eyes, relax & receive the benefits. Jin Shin providers also experience the advantages; they are energized, not drained, from administering a session. How awesome is that! Win-win situations are my favorite.

If you would like more details about Jin Shin Jyutsu, I recommend this website: http://jinshinjyutsu.com/

As I was writing, this beautiful song (With My Own Two Hands - Ben Harper & Jack Johnson) was playing in my head. So I wanted to share it too. (And I love the accompanying video).

Hope you enjoy friendos!

BE POSITIVE

2010-05-09T17:42:00.001-04:00

Be Positive...my motto AND my blood type. What are the odds?

GETTING TECHNICAL

2010-05-07T10:30:00.003-04:00

The following are the medical terms for my upcoming surgery:

Robotic myomectomy
   (removal of fibroids)
Peritoneal stripping & enterolysis
   (removal of intestinal adhesions & endo in the abdominal cavity)
Possible unilateral salpingo oophorectomy
   (possible removal of my left ovary & fallopian tube)

Does the fancy terminology make it more or less scary?

SURGERY WOES

2010-05-06T00:39:00.002-04:00

I had my pre-admission testing at the hospital today. The nurses were kind, they looked me in the eyes when they spoke. One of them quickly mentioned that I would be staying in the hospital for overnight. Wait...what??

My laps have always been outpatient. So it turns out I incorrectly assumed this one would be too. But it's not. And I'm wishing my doctor would have already mentioned it. My pre-op appointment is Friday, I guess he was waiting to discuss it then.

This took my breath away & changed my whole perspective. I would've appreciated more time to accept it.

But it is logically for the best. I'm going to make peace with it...tomorrow...or the next day.

WOMEN TO WOMEN & SURGERY PREP

2010-05-02T13:19:00.002-04:00

My surgery countdown is at 10 days.

I am continuing to research different ways to prepare for surgery. Women to women offer valuable information about surgery prep on their website. Click here to read their recommendations. The article states, "...Greater knowledge leads to greater wellness." I couldn't agree more! I found the page & included links to be educational & informative. Maybe you will increase your knowledge & wellness too!

GUIDED IMAGERY FOR SURGERY

2010-04-30T16:27:00.008-04:00

I didn't do much to prepare for my first laparoscopy. I was given little direction by my doctor (dr #1), other than the standard (don't eat or drink after midnight, etc.) It honestly didn't occur to me I could do more.

Dr #1 did not complete the procedure & referred me to dr #2. (More details about my laps are provided in this blog post, so I won't repeat it all here). Since dr #2 was out-of-network, I had an eight month fight with my insurance company to get my second lap covered. Therefore, I had plenty of time to conduct my own research. I was new to the endo world & had a lot to learn. (I still do).

A co-worker was kind enough to share the following surgery prep tool with me. Our discussions empowered me to change my thoughts about surgery. I wasn't just someone passively undergoing an operation, I was an integral part of my medical team. My doctors had not encouraged this thought & I was grateful for the enlightenment.

A few weeks prior to my second lap, she lent me her Meditations to Promote Successful Surgery cassette tapes. In these tapes, Belleruth Naparstek utilized guided imagery to help individuals prepare for surgery. I listened each night in bed. Her soothing voice instantly relaxed me. The first few nights, I quickly fell asleep. She assured me this was normal in the intro, so I wasn't surprised.

Though my second lap was more involved & invasive, my recovery was easier. (I also utilized other tools, but I will save that discussion for another post, coming soon). My husband noticed the difference immediately in the recovery room. He was amazed to see me smiling & joking with my nurse so quickly after I regained consciousness. The week that followed brought less pain & nausea compared to my first lap. I didn't need to read the research proving guided imagery is effective. I am a believer because I experienced it.

A few years later, I purchased the Successful Surgery CDs on Belleruth's website to prepare my son for his tonsillectomy. So when I was scheduled for my third lap earlier this year, I was able to start listening to the CDs immediately. I again achieved positive results with this program as I prepared & healed after surgery.

Meditations to Promote Successful Surgery contain four parts:

Intro (6:19) - Belleruth briefly discusses what to expect & the research supporting guided imagery for surgery.

Guided Imagery (14:17) - Belleruth's peaceful voice supports stillness as she leads to you a safe place in your imagination. You are surrounded by loved ones as you visualize your successful surgery.

Affirmations (19:58) - Belleruth encourages & promotes your healing with positive statements to counter negative thoughts. You can listen & repeat each phrase to absorb the beneficial messages.

Monolithe I (51:58) - The final component contains gentle music. It is intended to be listened to on headphones during surgery. It contains the same enchanting music played in the background of the other parts of the CD.

Due to hospital regulations, my doctor could not allow me to listen to the music during my procedures. I believe it would be helpful, if you can arrange it. I was able to listen as I waited to be taken to the operating room. As my nerves set in & threatened to enfold me, it helped me remain calm & focused.

The more you can listen, the better. However, research showed benefits in people who listened just once. I listen daily to all four components for a few weeks when I prepare for surgery.

If you check her website, you will find a variety of other tools & resources, including a Surgery Pack containing four separate titles in one collection (General Wellness, Ease Pain, Healthful Sleep & Successful Surgery). I invite you to use the links provided to find more information & decide if it is right for you. It worked wonders for me!

SURGERY COUNTDOWN - DAY 14

2010-04-28T12:28:00.012-04:00

Today is exactly two weeks until my next surgery to treat my Stage IV Endometriosis. 14 days. The countdown is on.

Naturally, this surgery is weighing heavy on my mind. I'm anxious; I'm nervous; I'm hopeful. It feels like everything is riding on it. I ache to return to my normal daily life. Though surgery is not a cure, it could result in the reduction of my pain & symptoms. I pray each day it will.

This will be my fourth laparoscopy & my first robotic-assisted surgery. Some of the potential benefits of the da Vinci robotic-assisted surgery include: less invasive, more precise, reduced bleeding, shorter recovery time, decreased risk of infection.

It will be performed by doctor #3. My previous three laps did not reduce my pain. I have (cautious) faith that my new doctor will be able to remove my fibroids (one large, one small), extensive endo implants, ovarian cyst & free my bowel from my uterus. Depending on the condition of my left ovary, he may remove that too. My left ovary seems unhealthy & cystic, but thankfully my right ovary is healthy.

Over the next few days, I will be sharing some of my tips for surgery prep. I hope to provide some valuable ideas for other endo sufferers who are preparing for surgery. Please leave comments if you have any surgery prep gems to share. Gracias!

NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK

2010-04-27T13:08:00.004-04:00

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. After reading my friendo Jeanne's blog post yesterday, I added the Resolve National Infertility Association badge to my page. You can click the Resolve badge (below right) to find out more about their advocacy work & ways you can help. Infertility is a devastating part of living with endo for many women. Resolve offers helpful resources, tools and education to women & families facing infertility. Let's help build awareness this week & every other week of the year!

DREAMING OF A BUBBLY RESPITE

2010-04-27T12:34:00.005-04:00

My husb recently relayed an exciting discovery about our home. We have the ability to enlarge our (teeny tiny) master bathroom. There is unused space between the bathroom and closet. I am already envisioning my self...surrounded by candles, soaking in my enormous new jacuzzi tub! We don't have the time or money to start this now, but just knowing it's a possibility thrills me.

There is nothing like soaking in a hot tub on a crampy day. Add jacuzzi jets to the mix, and you create a little slice of heaven.

Someday this dream will be a reality. Until then, I'll have to settle for baths in my small, boring, non-bubbly tub.

TWITTER JITTERS

2010-04-27T02:21:00.005-04:00

After an encouraging conversation with my Aunt Darrelyn, I up and did it. I joined the Twitter. haha.

If you want to follow me, I'm endofriendo.

ANOTHER UNINVITED GUEST

2010-04-26T19:21:00.008-04:00

I thought of the following analogy today.

My endo is like Cousin Eddie. You know, from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Endo showed up unannounced and uninvited, disrupted my entire life, threatened my job, demanded my full attention, and cost me money...just like Cousin Eddie did.

I look forward to watching this movie each Christmas season. It still makes me laugh, year after year.

Thanks for the smile today, Cousin Eddie.

BATHROOM TIP

2010-04-26T01:11:00.004-04:00

Speaking of constipation...

(Disclosure) I realize that some of my posts may be TMI. Here's the thing, Endo is not pretty. Believe me in other contexts, I wouldn't get into all of this with random people.

But this is my blog about living with Endo & I've got a tip worth sharing. Especially if you are a bathroom reader like moi.

One major consequence of my Endo is that my bowel is entangled with my uterus. Bowel movements are often excruciating.

Now, I have always been one to read while I sit on the commode. It runs in my family. Actually, it's more like I have to read in there. I'll make do with a shampoo bottle or soap dispenser if nothing else is available.

Anyway, here's my tip. I started doing sudoku puzzles on the potty. It helps me focus on something other than the pain. I don't have time to suffer, I have an important goal to complete. This is tricky work folks, one wrong number & you screw up the entire puzzle!

I discovered finishing my business and completing an easy level sudoku, often time up the same. Sometimes it takes more than one.

I keep my small book with attached pencil on the shelf in our bathroom. Oh, and I keep my big fat book in the living room with the other magazines.

...I guess I really like sudoku. It's something from my "normal" life I can still do.

Here's a link to a free sudoku site, if you want to play. Here's a description of how to play, in case you need some tips. If you have this predicament, maybe a sudoku might distract you too.

DELICIOUS SMOOTHIE RECIPE

2010-04-25T14:05:00.021-04:00

Often in the morning, I am just not hungry. I have been trying to eat a healthy diet & have read numerous articles stating the importance of breakfast. I used to drink coffee, but it often upset my stomach. (That's no way to start a day!) Plus, I know it may be helpful to limit my caffeine consumption. So I recently started making homemade smoothies for breakfast. They are delicious & nutritious!

My friend Leah shared the key ingredient to creating the perfect frothy smoothie - frozen soy milk cubes. I adapted it to frozen almond milk cubes. Simply fill an ice cube tray with your choice & pop it in the freezer. Both work great! Here is my recipe friendos:

Vanilla almond milk
Frozen vanilla almond milk cubes
Strawberry yogurt
Fresh strawberries, sliced with stems removed

Throw all the ingredients in your blender. It's that easy! I put the cubes in first, so they are closest to the blades. Play with the amounts of each ingredient to make the consistency you desire. I never measure, I just eyeball it. This is the simple recipe. Sometimes I add other berries or banana slices. I particularly love adding fresh pineapple chunks. Be creative!

The above links are the brands I like to use.

BONUS! Here's a link to a coupon for Almond Breeze. Click here to sign up for Stonyfield coupons.

If you try it, please let me know what you think!

GET REGULAR

2010-04-25T12:43:00.007-04:00

One of the many side effects I am experiencing from my Endo is occasional constipation. Combined with the stultification caused by pain killers, this can be a painful situation. (Did you catch that? constipation + stultification = situation). Luckily, it is not a daily issue for me.

A friend recommended Yogi Tea Get Regular as an alternative to laxatives. I tried it a few times and the tea has worked well for me. The key ingredient is Senna Leaf. Research revealed mixed reviews. The box advises not to use the tea for more than ten days in a row.

I was anticipating an unpleasant flavor, but it actually tasted pretty good. I only added a small amount of honey.

Here is one informative article I found online regarding senna leaf. I encourage you to use caution and conduct your own research to decide if it is right for you.

Any thoughts friendos?

AUNT SUZ'S PRAYER

2010-04-25T00:29:00.005-04:00

My Aunt Suz shared this prayer with me while I was preparing for my last surgery. We're unsure of the origin, so my family calls it Aunt Suz's Prayer. When I get overwhelmed, I recite it to calm myself. It especially comforted me in the hospital as I awaited my laparoscopy. I keep a couple copies around my house to remind me.

the Light of God surrounds me

the Love of God enfolds me

the Power of God protects me

the Presence of God watches over me

wherever I am God is

HUH???

2010-04-24T15:38:00.002-04:00

Just thought I'd mention, AF made a very unexpected visit today.

I'm in the second month of my Zoladex treatment (to create a faux menopausal state), plus I have been consistently on the NuvaRing (to suppress my periods) since January. So how is this possible??? Great question! Answer: You got me. My poor confused brain. (Have I mentioned I hate taking these drugs!)

Well, I'm gonna look on the bright side. At least now I know why the last two days have been extra miserable.

SUPER DUPER HULA HOOPER

2010-04-24T13:00:00.013-04:00

Kitchen Hoopin'

My super fabulous rainbow hoop was created by Hoopnotica.

I highly recommend their quality hoops & products!

One of my personal Endo side effects is hula hoop withdrawal.

For years, my endo symptoms would disrupt one week of every month. That was difficult, but the remaining three weeks still belonged to me. I was relieved by the end of each treacherous week, and appreciated the rest of the month that much more. Unfortunately, when my Endo progressed into daily agony, life as I knew it changed. Among other usual endeavors (including work), I was forced to park my hoop in the corner. It's likely temporary. Still, my idle hoop makes me gloomy.

When my health deteriorated, I realized how many aspects of my daily life I took for granted. I didn't appreciate oodles of moments & activities. Now that I'm here, I have to accept the reality of my current condition. In the meantime, I am utilizing positive visualization to imagine myself, post surgery, recovering & giggling with my sparkly hoop dancin' around my hips.

Hopin' to be hoopin',

Jenn

LITTLE MISS ENDO

2010-04-23T12:49:00.009-04:00

When I was little, my Aunt Christy had the most impressive collection of Little Miss & Mr. Men books by Roger Hargreaves. They are my favorite childhood books. Today as I sat here in pain, I was looking for a way to turn my frown upside. Here's what I came up with:

I present to you my friendos, my very own collection of Little Miss Endo.

Little Miss Heating Pad~No adventures for her. She has to stay plugged in after all, so she can't stray far from the wall. She's often curled up in the fetal position. Not the most exciting book.

Her cousin Little Miss Microwaveable Heating Pad is pretty boring too. She constantly has to reheat her pad & drinks lots of cold tea to reduce the heating-pad-induced sweats.

Little Miss Migraine~Poor girl, everything makes her head pound: sound, light, movement, touch. She can barely function. Sometimes it even makes her vomit.

Little Miss Horrid Cramps~It's impossible to be comfortable when enduring stomach & back cramps. She's screwed. She can barely walk and don't be surprised if she doubles over in pain. Don't misunderstand, she's a tough cookie. But everybody has a limit.

Little Miss Putrid Gas~There's no politely holding these in folks. When they bubble up, she's gotta let 'em out. They'll make you gag & run, no doubt. She may try to implicate Mr. Dog. He doesn't mind taking one for the team because he senses her pain.

Little Miss Weepy~Even the stupidest of commercials will make her sob. She craves a good chick flick. Indulge her & give her a hug. She might get your shirt wet, but it will dry.

Little Miss Wino~She often slurs her words, but she seems to be the happiest Little Miss Endo.

Little Miss Pissy~Just bring her dark chocolate & let her be. Anything else will just piss her off anyway. (That doesn't mean you didn't do something infuriating, by the way, so don't blame her for everything).

Little Miss Out of Sick Days~It sucks to be her, because she's forced to suffer AND be at work. She feels obligated to fake a smile and pretend like she's fine. It's exhausting. If only she could take a nap in the conference room without getting caught.

Little Miss Rage~She's angry, but can you blame her? She feels terrible. I love that she doesn't take crap from anybody. Even Mr. Tickle knows he better keep his long-ass arms away from her. Because unfortunately, right now, nothing is funny.

Little Miss Bloated~Her comfy pajama pants are her most treasure possession. Sometimes, she can't zip up her jeans, and that makes her sad. So she just wears her pjs for the entire story. They are really cute; I want a pair.

Little Miss Relieved~She finally stops bleeding & can return to skipping around with her buddy Little Miss Sunshine once again. Well, at least for now, that is. Their periods have synced up, so they make a harmonious duo.

I'd love to hear your Little Miss Endo comments & character suggestions!

PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION

2010-04-22T17:38:00.015-04:00

Let's get back to talking about Endo.

Today I added the Create Endometriosis Awareness & Understanding petition to the blog. You can find it down on the right side. Please click the link to sign our petition, I just did.

The petition was started by my new Endo Friendo Jeanne, to raise awareness about the facts regarding Endo. An estimated 89 million women have this disease, yet many people know nothing (or worse yet, they know false information) about Endo.

Thanks to Jeanne for sharing the information & link for the petition. Let me know if you are interested in posting the petition on your page. Everyone is encouraged to sign it, not just fellow Endo sufferers. Thank you for your support Friendos! Together, we really can make a difference.

HOW I SPENT MY MOMMA'S BIRTHDAY

2010-04-21T23:46:00.020-04:00

My Mom's birthday has always been a sad day for me. This year I was inspired to focus on celebrating her life & how I can still be close to her, even though she has been gone for so many years. I thought it would be nice to share my day with you.

I looked through a few old pictures. I'm fortunate to have many photographs of my beautiful Mother.

For years, I have thought about getting a cake to celebrate her birthday. And this year, I finally did. My son & I went to Dairy Queen in search of an ice cream cake. We picked out the smiley face cake above, as a perfect reminder that I can choose to celebrate her day with happiness. I think we may have started a new tradition.

My son & I, we're car singers. So while I drove, I played a mix that I made for my Mom a couple years ago. And together we sang. It was the loveliest part of my day.

Then our friend (not even knowing it was my Mom's bday) brought me a gift. His videos from our wedding! I have been so anxious to watch these & I love that he brought them on this day.

I also had an enjoyable conversation with her younger sister, my Aunt Darrelyn. Both of her sisters have the sweetest Louisiana voices. I feel like I'm talking to my Momma when we talk & laugh & that always makes me happy.

It felt restorative to smile & think of her today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA

2010-04-21T13:09:00.007-04:00

Today celebrates the day my Mother would have turned 59 years old. She died tragically at the age of 31. I miss her. I never stop wishing she was here with us.

She loved Rickie Lee Jones & so do I. So here's a song for you Momma, on your birthday.

LINK #4 - TOP 28 ENDO BLOGS!

2010-04-20T01:22:00.006-04:00

Hey Friend-o-mine,

I am so excited to share the following link with you! I'm ecstatic to learn of other women blogging about their endo experiences. It is a great tool to connect us all, no matter where we live.

Click here for a link to networkedblogs.com Top 28 Blogs in Endometriosis.

This is going to provide me countless hours of research. I can't wait to jump in!

Goodnight y'all.

LINK #3 FIBROIDS

2010-04-10T14:21:00.012-04:00

I am blessed to have loving family and friends looking out for me. Thanks to my Aunt Jeanne for sharing this information with me!!

She saw this information on the TV show, The Doctors. They discussed a new, non-invasive procedure for removing uterine fibroids. There are several links on this page. You will need to scroll down to the bottom of the page.

Click here for The Doctors show synopsis on April, 9 2010

This was the first time I heard about MR focused ultrasound, so I can't vouch for this info. But it is exciting to hear about the potential of new procedures! I'm gonna look into it & I'll let you know.

LINK #2 - WOMEN TO WOMEN WEBSITE

2010-04-08T15:15:00.015-04:00

I found some interesting information on the website womentowomen.com

Click here to find out more. This particular article discusses symptoms, natural and conventional treatments, and emotional factors associated with Endometriosis. There are also many other pages full of valuable information.

GOTTA LET IT GO

2010-04-08T12:21:00.009-04:00

Today I am focusing on looking toward the future, being happy for today and not dwelling on the past...so much easier said than done.

I had my appointment with the new doctor (aka dr #3) last week. He came highly recommended from a couple friends as a skilled endo surgeon. He gave me a completely different (and much better!) diagnosis than my former doctor, dr #2. He is not hesitant to perform the much needed surgery, my only option to stop my endless pain. I am a great candidate for a robotic laproscopy!

Dr #2 started me on a six month Zoladex treatment in March, by injecting a three month time-released capsule into my abdomen. Dr #2's office informed me after my incomplete laproscopy in February, that this six month treatment was going to cost $3,840, and none of it would be covered by my insurance! I was only able to start the treatment in March because I was hospitalized due to severe pain. After speaking to my patient advocate, she explained a way to cover the medication simply by coding it differently. Therefore, dr #2 not only prescribed a scary drug that I did not need, but I almost paid close to $4,000 (that I do not have) for it!

Dr #3 explained why all this was unnecessary. This means the drug in my abdomen that is confusing my brain into a fake menopause is FOR NOTHING...But I gotta let it all go. All the misinformation from dr #2, who had the nerve to perform surgery on me TWICE that he was not qualified to do. And I have to let go that I ALLOWED him to cut me open TWICE.

After being unable to complete my surgeries and leaving me in severe pain, dr #2 made another shocking decision. He willingly left me with no options to manage my severe pain & just didn't give a shit. He knew that I was in debilitating pain every day of my life; he saw with his own eyes the severity of my situation. And instead of continuing to prescribe the pain medicine that was the only reason I can get out of bed each day, he told me to go to the ER. I gotta let that go too, and it's an incredibly hard one to let go.

I am beyond grateful for the care of the new doctor, dr #3. He doesn't understand why my issues weren't handled FIVE years ago, and I don't fucking understand either!! The very first doctor (dr #1) who diagnosed my endo, she performed my first laproscopy with the intent to remove an ovarian cyst detected by ultrasound. She discovered the extensive endo & DID NOTHING. Instead, she referred me out of her practice to the less qualified dr #2. I had to fight my insurance company for over eight months to cover the surgery because dr #2 was not in network. Five years and three unfinished laproscopies later, I am referred to my new, competent doctor #3. Here's the main thing I gotta let go...dr #3 is in the same practice as dr #1. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SHE JUST REFER ME TO HIM FIVE YEARS AGO??????????? It would have saved me five years of severe pain, countless hours of suffering, and thousands of dollars. Dr #3 asked this very important question during our first appointment. I hope he asks dr #1, who is still part of his practice, for a damn explanation. But that won't turn back time anyway.

See why it is easier said than done?!

For my own health though, I need to take the lessons learned and move forward. I need to thank God for my blessings and pray for my recovery after the next laproscopy, scheduled in five weeks. I can see a pain-free existence in my future, and nothing else really matters besides that.

Take a deep breath, and let it all go...

CRY CRY CRY

2010-04-01T23:26:00.020-04:00

I had my first, real, deep, intense, therapeutic, inconsolable cry the other day...well the first one since three months ago when my pain went from terrible to debilitating. Though the majority of the following song is not relevant, I wanted to share the "cry cry cry" with you because it is dancing around my head. If you ever want Ryan Adams and his Friends to sing to you while you cry, you can click right here.

At the very least, the children will make you smile while you cry cry cry.

Enjoy Friendo!